CDC Says Zombie Threat Not Possible Because They Don’t Freakin’ Exist

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Today the CDC (Center for Disease Control) President and CEO Charles Stokes made a public statement to those concerned with a possible threat of zombies infecting the population.

“We at the CDC are removing all active procedures online and in text regarding a possible zombie apocalypse,” said Stokes, “as clear evidence suggests that not only is such a threat not possible, but also that ZOMBIES AREN’T FREAKIN’ REAL!!!”

“C’mon people!  Dead bodies are not going to reanimate because of aliens, satellites, viruses, or magic!  They’re made up!  Like Freddie Krueger!  And the Boogeyman!  All of them are just as non-existent as rappers who use their own music!”

Many requests to the CDC have been submitted for several years, concerning an undead outbreak, as depicted in such popular movies and television shows as Dawn of the Dead and The Walking Dead
“They’re fiction, people,” added Stokes.  “Look around you.  With all the real horror in the world, do you really want to add a fictional threat to the mix?  Get a freakin’ life!”

In related news, CNN will be airing a special report this weekend, entitled, “Did Zombies Attack Flight 370?”…

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By clavius42

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