WASHINGTON – An unusually violent series of solar flares had a decidedly shocking impact yesterday. Not only were wireless internet and smart phone signals disrupted, but in a strange chain of events, members of the GOP and other conservatives actually told people exactly what they were thinking.
The phenomenon started when conservative radio host and flotation device Rush Limbaugh made a surprising statement on the air. “Let’s face it folks,” said Limbaugh, “I am a racist, misogynist, heartless blowhard who hates pretty much everyone and everything. But I would like to thank all you mindless bastards for keeping me employed. If I wasn’t doing this, I would probably be one of those crazy people you see on the side of a street, yelling at passerbys and to the air!”
During a congressional meeting, Sen. Mitch McConnell, along with his fellow congressman, inadvertently ranted against President Obama on C-SPAN. “When it comes down to brass tacks, it’s all about Obama being Black. Why else do you think we criticize him even when he offers up ideas we came up with? He’s Black, we’re White. Simple as that. Washington would be a much better place if we got all the Negroes out of politics. We can’t have Obama undermining us all with his common sense ideas and knowledge. And the only way to get rid of him is to show him the least amount of respect any President has ever been given in history. If Blacks can think for themselves, it’s just as bad as if women did.”
In a Fox News interview, when asked about immigration and the poor, House Speaker John Boehner said he didn’t see what the big deal was. “Who cares, really? Are they rich? No. Can they further our campaigns? No. Who needs them? Let them go back to where they came from, and stop bothering us. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go be the GOP mouthpiece on another program.”
Fox News host Sean Hannity excused Boehner, saying, “we’ll be back with more news we made up or were told to say by the Republican Party, for all of the right-wing elderly who seem to be our biggest demographic. And remember, we’re the reason George W. Bush had a platform during the Iraq War!”
NRA Vice President Wayne LaPierre admitted to a dumbfounded group of city council members that “all gun violence does is give us profits, so why stop it? You can replace lives, but you can’t replace wealth!”
Many conservative groups, after discovering the chain of unfortunately honest events, tried to remove all broadcasts and transcripts of all conversations delivered, but most details and entire shows had already gone viral via YouTube and Twitter.
“It was an entirely fabricated series of ‘mishaps’,” said a Tea Party activist. “It’s as fictional as the admittedly convincing evidence that there is such a thing as global warming. Aw man, did I just say that out loud???”
A source close to Fox News says that all footage, including interviews and special reports have been reportedly “lost” for yesterday.
“Due to unforeseen technical difficulties, Fox News was off the air on Friday, April 11,” said the 24 hour news network’s president Roger Ailes. “And for those of you who do remember what happened, keep it to yourself.”