Study Shows Substantial Rise in 2014 of Heartless Bastards

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A recent independent study conducted independently in Independence, Missouri indicates that there has been a unsettlingly substantial rise in people saying and doing things that most people consider “heartless and vulgar”.

A much recent example details the message sent to parents of Sandy Hook victims by Samuel “Joe the Blunder” Wurzelbacher, saying that their dead children didn’t trump his Constitutional rights.

“That’s freakin’ cold,” said Mikael Miller, head of the study.  “Basically, this guy favors his guns over children’s lives.  Someone should check and re-confirm that he still qualifies as a human being.”

The study suggests that a sudden rash of racist, homophobic and misogynistic comments made by people in the media spotlight – including politicians, ranchers, and one particularly batshit basketball team owner – are the reason for the rise in heartless bastards.

“The inner monologue seems to be a thing of the past, and respect seems to be a not too distant second,” said Miller.

Another related study is also showing that common sense is at an all-time low, after discovering that hypocrisy is reaching an all-time high.

“Politicians are suddenly vehemently protesting ideas that they originally came up with, and also measures that they were personally involved with, and blaming all of it on the opposing party.  That’s just messed up.”

Also detailed in the study are an alarmingly large assortment of people and organizations who have been discovered to have absolutely no knowledge of the reproductive processes of women, particularly groups composed mostly of “old farts”.

“If nothing changes,” said Miller, “2013 and now 2014 will go down as the inevitable downfall of the human race.  But at least people will have their guns as they watch the world die…”

In somewhat related news, people are still worshipping every move and comment made by celebrities, despite having lives of their own, and just plain common sense.

By clavius42

Shinseki Resignation Delayed Due to Loss of Paperwork

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WASHINGTON – Eric Shinseki, secretary of the Veterans Affairs Department, announced his resignation today after a meeting with President Barack Obama, but his request has been delayed as all required paperwork has been misplaced.

“This is a total surprise to me,” said Shinseki.  “I am also very disappointed with how the resignation process is conducted.  The people responsible should be held accountable for their blatant negligence.”

Shinseki discovered the loss of paperwork after waiting approximately six hours in line, but sources say that office records indicate his wait was under thirty minutes.

“I would not want to live in a world where this appalling behavior exists.  Treating hard-working people like this who support America, and in some ways protect it, well, that is an abomination.”

Former Vice President Dick Cheney weighed in on the embarassment. “This is not something that would have happened under Bush’s term as president, because we would never have let anyone apply for help in the first place,” said Cheney.       

By clavius42

Top Ten Failed Gadgets or Apps of 2014

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10. iDead

9. Nintendo (yeah, pretty much everything)

8. Black light mirror

7. Sugar-free edible panties

6. Cordless cord

5. Wi-Fi-Mai-Tai

4. Angry Tea Partiers

3. Muzak on Spotify

2. Google Hangouts on Ice

and the Number One Failed Gadget or App of 2014…

1. Fox News

By clavius42

Kim and Kanye Wedding Still Having No Effect on World Events

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Many news sources are saying that even after a few days since celeb-for being-celeb Kim Kardashian and Kanye West – whose massive ego has been reported to be one cause of global warming – the union has not had any recognizable effect on current world events.

“Kimye – that’s what we’re calling it, ’cause it’s awesome,” said a reporter from TMZ, “should be the biggest news since Justin Bieber was discovered leaving that brothel, but apparently people are becoming instead more and more focused on things like the Indian election, Putin’s invasion of the Ukraine, the undeniable proof of climate change, and the possible ramifications should Republicans take over Congress.  You know, nothing that really matters.”

Representatives for the new couple are also blaming the recent elevator footage of Solange Knowles attacking Jay-Z as a diversion for what they say is truly the most important story of the world.

“We are very disappointed in social media for giving this event short shrift amidst all of the other things going on in the world,” said one rep, “but we are confident that all deserved attention will return when the news of the divorce breaks, which should be any week now.”

In related news, the baby daughter of Kanye West and Kim Kardashian is already planning to write a tell-all expose, which will be published next month. Amazon is already taking orders for “North”, by North West. 

In un-related news, CNN is sponsoring new seminars on the east and west coasts to teach up-and-coming reporters and anchors how to stretch out for twenty four hours news that would normally only take under an hour to report.

By clavius42

List of Least Interesting Literary Works

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1) Sherlock Holmes and the Case of Scotch

2) A Christmas Yodel

3) The Count of Monte Crisco

4) The Complete Works of Jerry Shakespeare

5) A Photographic History of Braille

6) No War Just Peace

7) Stephen King’s The Nightstand

8) A Tale of One City

9) The Okay Gatsby

10) From Here To There

11) The DaVinci Stamp

12) Thoracic Park

13) Harry Potter and the Troublesome Acne

14) To Kill A Bird

15) Lord of the Fly

By clavius42

Top Ten Signs of Global Warming (Sorry, ‘Climate Change’)

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10. “Can’t see the forest for the trees” doesn’t make any sense anymore.

9. Hurricanes in Kuwait.

8. You can’t read your thermometer because it has melted.

7. Nevada becomes West Coast.

6. You need to “catch a wave” to get to work.

5. The Eiffel Tower becomes “that short, pointy thing in the water”.

4. Your husband no longer says, “fish for dinner again???”

3. Monopoly money becomes actual currency.

2. Dust masks start trending.

And the Number One Sign of Global Warming…

1. Hell has actually frozen over.

 

By clavius42

A List of Rejected Children’s Books

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1) Horton Hears a Whore

2) Alexander and the No Good Terrible Shitty Lame Ass Really Freakin’ Bad Day

3) First Book of Texting

4) Hoppity Rabbit and the Successful Drug Score

5) How to Forge Your Parent’s Signature

6) Rush Revere and the Failed History Class

7) Caffeine Is Your Friend!

8) Big Book of Cheating

9) Yay Punctuation Its A Good Thing

10) The NRA’s Let’s Build a Compound! 

11) The Little Engine’s Revenge

12)  Words Your Mommy and Daddy Use When They’re Angry!

13) Sometimes It’s Okay To Lie

14) There Are Many Things You Can Do With Gravel!

15) Hoppity Rabbit and Her Murderous Spawn

16) You Don’t Know Crap About Dinosaurs!

17) 20 Ways To Irritate Your Parents

18) The Lalalalalalalalalalala Book

19) Classic Fairy Tales – Uncensored!

20) Oh The Jobs You’ll Lose!

21) A Guide To Math You’ll Never Need

22) Look At You! You’re Reading An Actual Freakin’ Book!

 

 

 

By clavius42

GOP Enlists Frank Luntz, Introduces Entirely New Language

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WASHINGTON – Frank Luntz, American political consultant, pollster, Republican Party strategist, and bullshit artist, has been hired by the GOP to compose a completely different way to express their views.

“After Luntz’s work with Cliven Bundy, particularly his alteration of Bundy being a racist but instead being merely ‘race selective’,” said Sen. Mitch McConnell, “I and members of my party knew he was our man.”

“It’s a complicated process,” says Luntz.  “‘Global warming’ becomes ‘climate change’, ‘healthcare reform’ becomes ‘government takeover’, and ‘brain damage’ becomes ‘death to Hillary’s 2016 campaign’.”

“It’s not a question of ‘spin’.  It’s really about trying to fool people into thinking you’re not really talking about what they really know you’re talking about.”

Luntz is working with various campaign managers to develop a language that works for each possible candidate.  For instance, Marco Rubio, known for denial of immigration and global warming, has been renamed as a “Non-Hispanic and Earth destruction sympathizer”.

“It’s all in the language,” explains Luntz.  “You use positive words like ‘sympathize’ and ‘American’ to negate the severity of the actual situation, and when you want to put a bad connotation on something in order to sway people’s votes, you use negative words like ‘dictatorship’ and ‘Benghazi’.”

Many critics say that what the Republican party really needs to do in order to save face for the 2016 election is to reconsider the misuse of harmful language and making accusations that are unfounded.

“But then I would be out of a job,” added Luntz.          

By clavius42

THIS JUST IN!

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Microsoft drops price for Xbox One by removing Kinect, upsetting the twenty people who already purchased it…

 

Fox News game show drops in ratings after it’s discovered that all answers to questions are “Benghazi”…

 

Apple says iPhone 7 to be announced shortly after iPhone 6 debuts…

 

Video of Solange Knowles attacking Jay Z in elevator still relevant for desperation of 24 hour news networks…

 

New Hampshire police commissioner asked to quit over Obama slur, also to apologize for being old bigoted fart…

 

Four-way stops still elude most drivers…

 

DC Comics movies discovered to be elaborate prank by Stan Lee.  “I really didn’t think anyone would buy it…”

 

By clavius42

CBS Approves “CSI” and “NCIS” Franchises Until End of Time

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HOLLYWOOD – Leslie Moonves, Chairman and Chief Executive Officer of the CBS Corporation, announced earlier this week that both “CSI” and “NCIS” television franchises, including such popular shows as “CSI: Crime Scene Investigation”, “NCIS”, “NCIS: Los Angeles”, and the new “NCIS: New Orleans”, are just the beginning of the franchises.

“It’s just a small portion of what we at CBS are calling, “CSI: World”, and “NCIS: Universe”, said Moonves.  “We are taking the creative and dynamic visions of “CSI” creator Anthony E. Zuiker and “NCIS” creator Donald P. Bellisario, and sending them into the stratosphere. Literally.”

CBS has ordered a reported 50 million episodes for both franchises, or, as Moonves says, “at least until the end of time”.

“When you’ve got a good thing going,” says Gil Schwartz, Senior Executive Vice President and Chief Communications Officer of CBS, “which is basically a generic procedural that doesn’t demand the full attention of the viewer, you run that sucker into the ground.”

Despite some supposed evidence to the contrary, CBS is insisting that their attentions to the two long running franchises will not affect other popular shows on the CBS schedule.

The television corporation is also announcing the following shows to be added in the next few years – “CSI: Elementary”, “How I Met Your NCIS”, “CSI: Big Bang Theory”, “2 Broke NCIS”, and “NCSIS”.

In somewhat related news, NBC has announced the next series in the “Law and Order” franchise, “Law and Order: SUV”, about a criminal investigation team solving crimes nationwide using a recreational vehicle…  

By clavius42