Supreme Court to Strike Down Any Existing Amendments

Clarence Thomas, Antonin Scalia, John G. Roberts, Anthony M. Kennedy, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, Sonia Sotomayor, Stephen Breyer, Smauel Alito Jr., Elena Kagan

WASHINGTON –  Monday’s decision to allow Christian prayers at city council and other public meetings is just a first step, says Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia.

“We have the power to pretty much do away with anything we’re not okay with,” Scalia continued.  “And no one can do anything about it. God I love my job.”

Critics say that the ruling is one more step toward giving religious conservatives what they have wanted for many decades – an entirely “Christian nation”.

“They say that like it’s a bad thing,” said Chief Justice John Roberts.  “All religions are about Jesus – the other heathen believers just don’t realize it.”

Members of the Supreme Court, after the landmark decision Monday, are planning to strike down any existing amendments.

“It’s a question of morals and values,” said Justice Samuel Alito, “and what we can do to get rid of them.”

One amendment, however, will go unscathed.  “The Second Amendment is sacred,” said Scalia.      

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By clavius42

Rick Perry’s Confidence Undaunted by Lack of Intelligence

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AUSTIN, TX – Texas Governor Rick Perry says that he is running for President in 2016, no matter what current public opinion and members of his own political party think of him.

“If I let something like common sense bother me,” says Perry, “I wouldn’t be where I am today.  I have never let my lack of intelligence inform me, and I’m not about to start now!”

“We see more character out of an individual by how you perform after you fail, so I expect to have a lot more character after the election.”

Perry says he is spreading his message across the country on a tour where he speaks about the Red State policies and how they benefit Americans.  “It’s not too late for people to reconsider your political beliefs,” says one Perry advisor.  “but if you believe in Perry, you already have.”

According to a recent Washington Post/ABC News poll, Perry finished seventh among possible GOP contenders Rand Paul, Jeb Bush, Mike Huckabee, Paul Ryan, Chris Christie, and Marco Rubio, with only Ted Cruz and that celery guy from “Veggie Tales” in close competition with his spot.

“We’re putting together a new campaign for Governor Perry,” says the head of promotions, “something along the lines of, ‘Rick Perry is the injection the American people need.'” 

Perry has a special message for his critics and assorted naysayers.  “When you look at the other candidates, I can’t be all that bad.  And if I do secure the Republican nomination, my debates will at least be entertaining.”

In other news, the GOP is putting together a bill which, if signed, will give the party permission to officially not be required to reveal their actual plans for the country.         

By clavius42

Tea Party Rallies to Ban Cinco De Mayo

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Members of the extreme conservative Tea Party plan to hold protests against the upcoming national Cinco de Mayo celebration.

“It’s a day that celebrates Mexican heritage and pride.  Unless it’s one where we get to shoot illegal immigrants, we’re against it,” said one Tea Partier.

Cinco de Mayo’s origins come from Mexican-American communities in the American West commemorating the cause of freedom and democracy during the first years of the American Civil War.

“Which is another bane of our existence, due to the whole slavery thing, which was on its way out anyway,” said one Tea Party leader. 

Tea Party favorites Sarah Palin and Ted Cruz are showing their support by spreading the word during their national tours.  

“We hope to organize several demonstrations condemning Cinco de Mayo, just as soon as we figure out what day it’s on,” said Palin.  

By clavius42