Study Shows Supreme Court May Be More Useless Than Congress

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WASHINGTON – The Supreme Court just ruled today that closely held companies like Hobby Lobby cannot be required to pay to cover some types of contraceptives for their employees.  “This probably doesn’t bode well for women,” said Justice Antonin Scalia about the ruling.  “But since when have I ever cared for them?”

An independent study done independently in Independence, Missouri suggests that while the Supreme Court was once a widely revered representation of the law of the land, it is fast becoming more useless than today’s Congress.

“Our studies show that a majority of the justices are making decisions not based on fact or even the will of the people, but on the basis of their political and religious beliefs.  This is a far cry from what their job is supposed to be,” said the head of the study, Morton Fine.

Many argue that there is a way that justices can be impeached, but through the Republican party’s House of Representatives.

“Yeah, like that’s gonna happen,” said Fine.

Justice Scalia said that “this will be a decisive blow in favor of small job institutions and more importantly, ones who fund the Republican Party”.  “But to say that I am biased in any way, well, I let my actions speak for themselves.  Which means that I’m not biased, by the way.”

The Supreme Court may be becoming less relevant than Congress, but not by much, say critics.  “Congress does one stupid damn thing after another every other week it seems,” said one critic, “or they don’t do anything at all.  The majority of the Supreme Court just ignores people.”

House Speaker John Boehner disagrees with the study, saying that “it will take a lot more from the Supreme Court to be more useless than Congress”.

“We are in fear of losing our reputation,” said Boehner.  “We can’t let a little thing like the Supreme Court of the United States nudge us out of the spotlight.”

The study also shows that the highest court in the land may just be due for a name change.  Possible leading contenders include “The So-So Court”, “The Far from Supreme Court”, and “The Do-Nothing Court”.

“We already have a Do Nothing Congress, though,” said Fine.

By clavius42

GOP Wants to Pass Bill to Ban Reasons

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WASHINGTON – When asked repeatedly for how President Obama is doing a bad job, or what they would do to improve what the President was doing, members of the GOP said they want to enact a bill to prevent anyone from demanding their reasons.

“Bad mouthing the President is everyone’s constitutional right,” said Sen. John McCain.  “Why go and spoil it with why we do it?”

House Speaker John Boehner is proposing a bill, which if passed, would ban “any reporter, news show host, or American” from asking any Republican to elaborate on their criticisms of Obama and his policies.

“Do we really have to explain ourselves?” said Boehner.  “With any luck, this bill will pass, and I won’t have to answer that question.”

President Obama has asked time and time again for constructive discussions and logical plans by the GOP, but has continuously been turned down.

“If the President thinks that he will get any rational thinking out of any of us.” said Sen. Mitch McConnell, “he has another thing coming.”

“Time and time again, this man has pushed the boundaries of what is safe, which is actually answering questions and providing ideas.  I am beginning to doubt his credentials as a politician.”

The new bill will be submitted for approval as soon as the GOP finds another title than “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell”…

By clavius42

Supreme Court Out of Touch with Technology, According to Scalia Fax

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WASHINGTON – The Supreme Court recently issued three opinions — Riley v. California, United States v. Wurie, and American Broadcasting Companies, Inc. v. Aereo, but it was a long strange trip.

The fact that the Supreme Court just may be out of touch with 21st century technology surfaced when Justice Antonin Scalia attempted to send a response via fax.

Sources say that Justice Scalia first tried to send a fax by shoving it through a paper shredder.  When that proved unsuccessful, he sent a duplicate through a copier, with the same results.

“I blame it on all those years I wasted playing Pong,” said Scalia, “and of course, the gays.”

“I miss the days of rotary cordless phones,” said Justice Samuel Alito.  “This new fangled technology eludes me.  How they squeeze those candy games into those small phones I’ll never figure out.  Maybe it has to do with those enraged birds.”

Chief Justice John Roberts admitted that, while he was pleased with the rulings that, taken together served as an endorsement of cell phone privacy and a condemnation of the online retransmission of TV shows to paid subscribers, he didn’t understand “a darn thing”.

“I haven’t felt this out of touch since our last seven rulings,” said Roberts.

“I disagree.  We are absolutely with the times,” said Scalia.  ‘E-mails’ are a completely appropriate way to send inter-office mail.  Writing paper letters to each other which start with the letter ‘e’ isn’t so difficult to do.”

A recent Gallup poll suggests that a majority of Americans oppose life tenure for Supreme Court justices.

“I think that it’s time to hang up their robes,” said one pollster.  “Clearly some of them need to relinquish their positions before they go the way of the McCain.”

Justice Clarence Thomas had no comment.

 

By clavius42

Boehner Discovers He Can’t Sue Obama, Has Hissy Fit

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WASHINGTON – After House Speaker John Boehner said that he intended to sue President Barack Obama for alleged misuse of executive power, many were quick to point out that it would not be possible.

Upon discovering he couldn’t do it, Boehner responded in a news conference with an extended “hissy fit”, followed by the stamping of his feet and holding his breath until his face turned blue.

“Okay, not so much blue, but a slightly darker burnt umber,” explained one reporter.  “His complexion doesn’t really lend itself to light colors.”

“I’m the House Speaker!” said Boehner to a baffled group of reporters. “I should be able to do what I want!  I want to sue the President, and if I don’t get my way, I’ll give everyone the silent treatment!”  He also indicated that he thought Obama’s “hair was stupid”.

Sen John McCain supported Boehner in interviews broadcast simultaneously on five news shows.  “I was like Boehner a while back,” said McCain.  “But I have learned that instead of acting like a spoiled brat, I prefer reacting as a crotchety old fart.”

Boehner did, however, ask if the Constitution would allow alternate ways to punish Obama.  “Can I light his pants on fire?” he asked.  “Would it be possible to stick my tongue out at him during presidential addresses?”

After being informed by his own party that such actions were also not permitted by the Constitution, he said “fine!”, then, accoridng to sources, “got huffy, went to his office and slammed the door”.

UPDATE: It has been reported just now that members of the GOP are trying to lure speaker Boehner out of his office with milk and cookies, and possibly a trip to his favorite amusement park.  More details soon.

By clavius42

A Personal Letter from Ann Coulter

Leading Conservatives, Presidential Candidates Speak At CPAC Gathering

Hello.  I’m Ann Coulter.  You may have seen me in your nightmares. I’m the creepy blonde who chases liberal dreamers around.

Anyway, there has been kind of an uproar this week due to some things I have said about soccer.  I believe that no true American should appreciate soccer, as it is as un-American as Obama, global warming, and of course, gluten.

It’s true that since we are in the midst of the World Cup – a revered (at least in Europe) competition where a bunch of guys kick around balls and hope to score – my timing may not be the best for these comments.  But honestly, when has there ever been a good time to hear what I’m saying?

If I cared about timing, tact, or even morals, I wouldn’t be the social media force that I am today.  I also blame the poor idiots who actually listen and read my thoughts.  Some people call them “sheep” – I just call them “fans”.

I would like to apologize for anything that has offended the legions of soccer fans in America (before they are deported if I have anything to with it), but if you know me – and who really doesn’t? – you know that I, in all sincerity, won’t.

I would also like to put in my two cents about Iraq.  If Obama had the balls, Iraq would be a smoldering pile of ashes safely away from any oil derricks.  He had no trouble bombing Egypt – why should he stop now?  Maybe it’s a Kenyan thing.

Also, to all of my critics who think I’m a worthless waste of oxygen and space, a shrewish bitch who just wants to stay in the limelight while blasting anything and everyone I have a problem with, I just have this to say:

“Bingo!”

Thanks for your time.
Actually, I don’t give a good goddamn what you think.

Ann

By clavius42

Vitriol or Die

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Lately, I have noticed when I write a particularly political post I get comments from “liberals” saying things like it would be nice if Congress was more understanding of the homeless or I read an article you might want to check out, but, um, “non-liberals” say things like Obama is the worst fuckin president! and peddle ur liberal shit somewhere else pusy!!

 

So basically “liberals” – with a few exceptions – like to make comments that make sense and are usually thought out.  But the “non liberals” just want to yell and curse and resort to name-calling me and the other commenters.

 

Why the hair trigger reaction?  Why is there so much anger by the “non liberals”?  And why do they choose to spread their vitriol on other people’s posts?

 

It has been my understanding that when someone doesn’t understand something, or is not quite certain of what to believe, they instantly fight back with hate speech which contains coarse language and – most baffling to me – misspelled words.

 

Maybe if they thought it through instead of flying off the lid, we could have some good constructive conversations representing both sides of the argument.

 

And then maybe Congress could learn from us.

By clavius42

GOP Threatens Government Shutdown “Just for the Hell of It”

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WASHINGTON – Since Obama announced new EPA regulations that would cut back on the carbon dioxide produced by coal-fired power plants, members of the GOP have threatened to withhold funding for the EPA, which would in turn create a government shutdown.

“Actually, we don’t need a reason anymore,” says House Speaker John Boehner.  “Now we just do it for the hell of it.”

“When Obama starts getting results – in any department – ” says Sen. Mitch McConnell, “well, we can’t have that.  So a threat to shut down the government is a good way to tell the President that we mean business, and also just to point out how big of a dick we can be.”

If global warming was real, some members of the GOP feel that it would have affected the wealthy by now.

“Until that happens,” says Boehner, “my party and I fail to see the emergency.  When that day comes, you can bet we’ll come up with some way to save the planet.  But none us see that happening i.e. none of us really care.”

Boehner also went on to say that he will be suing President Obama over his alleged abuse of executive power.  “Clearly this president doesn’t know what executive power is supposed to do.  He has this distorted idea that it should benefit Americans in any way possible. We in the Republican Party recognize the true purpose of that kind of power, to get what we want.  Which brings us back to the government shutdown.  Which should be really fun this time.”

Sen. Ted Cruz, of the great state of Calgary, is borderline ecstatic at the idea of another shutdown.  “I spent the whole day on the floor of the Senate jumping up and down, and raising my hand, saying lemme do it!  Lemme do it!  Membership does have its privileges.  Fingers crossed!”

A national poll suggests that if there is another government shutdown, the American people are suggesting an action of their own to “desenatize” the Capitol building…

By clavius42

Perry, Trump Announce Presidential Run – People Hold Back Laughter

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Today Texas Governor and Hair Club for Men member Rick Perry, and Donald “Hell Toupee” Trump, said that they are both considering a bid for the 2016 election as the next president of the United States.

“I’m not saying anything officially,” said Perry.  “In fact, my advisers have told me to not say anything at all – about anything – but it is my goal to learn from the mistakes of my first run.  Which should keep me busy until 2016.”

“This business with Rahm Emanuel got me thinking that I still have the chops for the presidency,” said Trump.  “I am the most powerful man I know, and I wholeheartedly recommend myself.  I am the right choice.  Just ask me.”

Upon hearing both announcements, many people are doing what they can to stifle uncontrollable fits of laughter.

“Well, comedians must be wetting themselves,” said one person.  “That’s all that’s positive about this news.”

Fox News will be hosting a Perry/Trump pre-debate next week, to ready the two possible contenders.

“This is the best waste of time we could ever possibly hope for,” said president Roger Ailes.  “And hopefully it will turn away people’s attention to the lost cause that Benghazi has turned out to be.”

In related news, former defense secretary Donald Rumsfeld finally weighed in on the Iraq crisis.  “One thing Obama should learn is that you go with the excuse for war you brought with you, and you make sure the oil is safe.  The rest is just fodder.”

By clavius42

Clinics Open Nationwide to Treat People Still Listening to Dick Cheney

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Medical facilities across the United States are responding quickly to what could be called an epidemic by many.

“Some people – for some strange and inexplicable reason – are still listening to what Dick Cheney has to say, particularly his comments on Iraq,” said Dr. Milton Webb, a physician at a Minnesota facility.

The sudden outbreak surfaced after Cheney and his daughter Liz published an article in the Wall Street Journal, saying among other things that “rarely has a US president been so wrong about so much at the expense of so many”, referring not to former president George W. Bush, but to President Barack Obama.  And as a result of the article, the former vice president and dark lord is back in the media spotlight, doing interviews for news shows.

“This is the man who orchestrated a war that cost the lives of 4,500 Americans, 100,000 Iraqis and nearly a trillion dollars in debt.  Only someone with serious mental problems would still be supportive of this person,” said one medical professional.

“If you know of someone who is under the delusion that Cheney and the rest of the Bush administration were justified in invading Iraq in 2003, please make sure that you get them help as soon as possible.”

Medical facilities are requiring that, prior to admission of patients, loved ones should prevent them from watching Fox News and CNN, encourage thinking for themselves, and of course, reconsidering their political affiliations as conservatives.

“But we can only help if they want us to help,” added Dr. Webb.  “Let the healing begin.”

By clavius42

Obama Criticized by Bush Administration For Not Defending Iraq’s Oil

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WASHINGTON – Many members of the Bush administration are disappointed with President Barack Obama’s refusal to send troops into Iraq.

“To not recognize the precious oil he could save by doing so,” said former vice president and Fox News poster boy Dick Cheney, “well, that’s as ridiculous as an historic war between the the Shias and Sunnis.”

Former U.S. Deputy Secretary of Defense Paul Wolfowitz, said that the current president “doesn’t have an inkling as to what kind of damage his behavior will do to big business.”

“Has he not learned anything from when my president was in office?” said Wolfowitz.

Fox News host Sean Hannity is adamant that measures should be taken to insure the safety and well being of Iraq’s oil reserves.  “There is this common misconception that what is most valuable is human life, but then you would start having to defend Medicare and Obamacare if you seriously believe that.”

Former Bush-era diplomat John Bolton weighed in on the current events.  “This president has shown time and time again that he is not fit for the presidency,” he said.  “What the average American people need is his first priority.  What does he have against the wealthy?”

When asked about the concerns he had about the Obama administration and their decisions for Iraq, former president George W. Bush said that he had just painted a portrait of his toe…

By clavius42