WASHINGTON – House Speaker and championship bronzer John Boehner said today that of all the concerns that his party is dealing with, vaccinations for measles and mass murders are at the bottom of the list.
“If we could all care less about the health and well being of Americans, our country would be stronger,” said Boehner. “But what happened in Benghazi two years ago and the release of five Taliban prisoners in exchange for an American soldier are what the American people should really be up in arms about.”
Fox News host Sean Hannity says that people being brutally murdered is “just a fact of life”. “If you look at history, violence has never been prevented. So why start now?”
Former Playmate and human being Jenny McCarthy submitted a request to the GOP for a bill which would outlaw vaccinations of any kind. “What are in these shots? I have googled information from every expert I know, such as Ann Coulter – no one has been able to tell me definitively what we are giving our kids.”
Hannity also had some words about vaccinations as well. “Sticking needles into children doesn’t help them, and I should know, because I have worked with some of the biggest pricks out there. Some even say that I am the biggest of them all.”
“Mass murders happen, that’s a fact,” said host Bill O’Reilly. “Insuring that there are effective laws and background checks to prevent people from purchasing weapons and gunning down their victims – well that’s just asking for trouble.”
Sen. John McCain also wanted to add his “two cents” into the Taliban prisoner debate, but was asked by several members of the Republican Party to “shut the hell up.”
In somewhat related news, many gun owners are taking to the streets to defend their right to “open carry” their weapons, much to the disappointment and disgust of anyone sane…