Hello Mr. Bergdahl, I’m Mitchell Hunt, your newly appointed publicist. Please let me say that it is an honor to be working with you, after what was surely a hellish five years at the hands of the Taliban. Hope you’re getting healthy and happy! I say this because, well, it’s the truth, and well, I’m not gonna beat around the bush – there are just a few things you should be aware of before you come back to your hometown in Idaho in our great United States of America.
Apparently a lot of people – mostly conservatives – are up in arms about your release. Yeah, I was surprised too, believe me! While I think we can all agree that no man should be left behind, well, these people kinda seem to be okay with that given the circumstances. See, you were traded for five members of the Taliban, and now President Obama is being accused of breaking the law and threatening the safety of our nation.
Also, due to your father’s facial hair growth, and his ability to speak Pashto – which as you know is the principal language of the Taliban – well, now he’s being referred to as a terrorist. I know, right? Surprisingly, no one has mistaken him for a family member of “Duck Dynasty”. You probably don’t know about “Duck Dynasty”, so I’ll just say this – if you missed it, your captivity wasn’t all bad.
Oh, did I mention that a bunch of people you fought with are calling you un-American and a traitor? Yeah, probably should have started with that. And you guessed it – that’s also what they’re calling your Dad. So far your mother has not been accused of anything, but this stuff just started happening, and it is only the beginning of June, so who knows what surprises lay in wait!
You might also be interested to know that – wait for it – President Obama is also being accused of orchestrating your release to divert attention from a big VA hospital scandal going on as we speak. Hopefully everything will be cleared up before you arrive, otherwise, like other people who fought for our country, you will be CENSORED DUE TO ARTICLE 42 !
So here’s the thing – basically your homecoming won’t be the big-time celebration or newsday “happy ending” you might be expecting. Put bluntly, Edward Snowden would get a better reception than you. Okay, you probably don’t know who that is. Let’s just say he has nothing to do with “Duck Dynasty”.
So for all intents and purposes, I think we should downplay the whole “terrorist” thing when you get here. Nothing has really been discovered to solidify that particular theory, but you never know what politicians are gonna do. I do remember when POW’s were welcomed back home with open arms, because they were, well, human beings with families. But I guess that’s gone right out the door.
So to sum up – the world has changed since 2009, some people think you should have stayed in captivity, and people are suspicious that you and your father may be terrorists. No biggie.
Tell you what – just come home safely, be with your parents and friends, wait a couple of months and I guaranteee you something else will happen soon that will divert attention from you. It seems like every other week Obama is being accused or blasted by the Republican Party – usually for something he would realistically have no control over – so that may work in your favor.
Have a safe flight! Oh by the way, the Open Carry law has been approved in many states here, so when you get back, I would keep my head down!
All the best,