Republicans in the Seventh District of Virginia on Tuesday night discontinued their relationship with Rep. Eric Cantor after a historic defeat by economics professor Dave Brat. But Cantor was curiously accepting of the loss.
“My run as one of the most heartless bastards in American politics is over,” said Cantor. “It’s time to be a heartless bastard in another venue. I am proud of the damage that I caused, but everyone has their limit – I filled my quota; I guess it’s time to move on.”
Cantor’s sheer dickishness at the expense of human lives, educational programs, and the economy, will be missed by a few members of the GOP, namely ones who actually claim that they will miss Cantor.
“I will miss Cantor every time I get a chance,” said House Speaker John Boehner, “now that he is no longer a threat to my position. Like he could ever do a better job than I as being a puppet for my party. The sheer gall.”
“He was a man who was willing to go the extra mile to being a truly awful human being,” said Sen. Mitch McConnell. “He set standards I can only hope to meet. And judging from reactions by the American people, I may be almost there.”
Cantor says that now his run is over, he will return to being incredibly rude to the average American. “I can’t do any financial damage to them anymore, but that won’t stop me from being a jerk to John Q. Citizen. Actually, if I find a guy named John Q. Citizen, I plan to beat the crap out of him.”
After Cantor’s historic upset, the GOP is now in talks to dismantle Social Security, saying that they “need to tie up some of his loose ends.”
“We can’t give the American people hope, even a little shred,” added McConnell. “That’s not what we’re about.”