WASHINGTON – After House Speaker John Boehner said that he intended to sue President Barack Obama for alleged misuse of executive power, many were quick to point out that it would not be possible.
Upon discovering he couldn’t do it, Boehner responded in a news conference with an extended “hissy fit”, followed by the stamping of his feet and holding his breath until his face turned blue.
“Okay, not so much blue, but a slightly darker burnt umber,” explained one reporter. “His complexion doesn’t really lend itself to light colors.”
“I’m the House Speaker!” said Boehner to a baffled group of reporters. “I should be able to do what I want! I want to sue the President, and if I don’t get my way, I’ll give everyone the silent treatment!” He also indicated that he thought Obama’s “hair was stupid”.
Sen John McCain supported Boehner in interviews broadcast simultaneously on five news shows. “I was like Boehner a while back,” said McCain. “But I have learned that instead of acting like a spoiled brat, I prefer reacting as a crotchety old fart.”
Boehner did, however, ask if the Constitution would allow alternate ways to punish Obama. “Can I light his pants on fire?” he asked. “Would it be possible to stick my tongue out at him during presidential addresses?”
After being informed by his own party that such actions were also not permitted by the Constitution, he said “fine!”, then, accoridng to sources, “got huffy, went to his office and slammed the door”.
UPDATE: It has been reported just now that members of the GOP are trying to lure speaker Boehner out of his office with milk and cookies, and possibly a trip to his favorite amusement park. More details soon.