WASHINGTON – The Supreme Court recently issued three opinions — Riley v. California, United States v. Wurie, and American Broadcasting Companies, Inc. v. Aereo, but it was a long strange trip.
The fact that the Supreme Court just may be out of touch with 21st century technology surfaced when Justice Antonin Scalia attempted to send a response via fax.
Sources say that Justice Scalia first tried to send a fax by shoving it through a paper shredder. When that proved unsuccessful, he sent a duplicate through a copier, with the same results.
“I blame it on all those years I wasted playing Pong,” said Scalia, “and of course, the gays.”
“I miss the days of rotary cordless phones,” said Justice Samuel Alito. “This new fangled technology eludes me. How they squeeze those candy games into those small phones I’ll never figure out. Maybe it has to do with those enraged birds.”
Chief Justice John Roberts admitted that, while he was pleased with the rulings that, taken together served as an endorsement of cell phone privacy and a condemnation of the online retransmission of TV shows to paid subscribers, he didn’t understand “a darn thing”.
“I haven’t felt this out of touch since our last seven rulings,” said Roberts.
“I disagree. We are absolutely with the times,” said Scalia. ‘E-mails’ are a completely appropriate way to send inter-office mail. Writing paper letters to each other which start with the letter ‘e’ isn’t so difficult to do.”
A recent Gallup poll suggests that a majority of Americans oppose life tenure for Supreme Court justices.
“I think that it’s time to hang up their robes,” said one pollster. “Clearly some of them need to relinquish their positions before they go the way of the McCain.”
Justice Clarence Thomas had no comment.