Hello, I’m Todd Akin. You know, the “legitimate rape” guy?
I still stand by what I said, after I apologized for it, because that’s what good conservatives do.
Being conservative for me is a way of life, and if you’ll pay attention, I will give you tips on how to win the 2016 election.
1) Don’t mention me, I lost an election. Also, don’t talk about “legitimate rape”, or anything that even sounds like “legitimate rape”.
examples: “incriminate crepe”, “imminent jape”, “illegitimate cape”
2) Be more conservative. It seems to me that some of you need to up your conservatism. Basically, if you see someone demonstrating his conservatism, up the ante. If he says he’s against gun control, then you say you’re against gun control because God wants it.
3) Don’t answer questions until you ignore the facts. Knowledge may be power to liberals, but it’s also a bane of our party’s existence. I’m not saying that you should fabricate what you say, just say what you know. Which, come to think of it, might get the same results.
4) Know your enemy. If it’s a woman, you have fuel right there, because it’s a proven scientific fact that women store their knowledge in their abdomen. Their bodies may not have defense mechanisms which prevent rape (I still stand by what I said, by the way), but you know their knowledge has to come from somewhere, and it’s certainly not coming from men parts.
5) Don’t lose. If you remember anything from this helpful guide, remember this – losing is humiliating. Just ask me. I have experience.
Not losing will give you at least a 95% chance to win the election. Or 65%. I’m terrible with math.
I hope these helpful tips will help you. Now if you’ll excuse me, there’s a woman’s anatomy pop-up book calling my name. Seriously.
Best of luck!
GOP Senate candidate (but I wouldn’t hold my breath)