WASHINGTON – House Speaker John Boehner appeared on Meet the Press Sunday, saying that the Republican Party has big plans for the coming months.
“It is our goal,” he said, “that through strenuous work and unprecedented dedications of our time, the GOP is looking to accomplish, at the most, one thing by 2016. We would be very proud of our past accomplishments, if we had made any.”
“The American people don’t realize the time and energy we devote to campaigning against Obamacare, blaming Obama for Benghazi and the plans to sue him. It’s difficult to work with evidence we never have.”
Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX) says that he is also proud of what he has not done. “If you look at my track record, you will see that I don’t actually have one,” said Cruz. “At least I haven’t done anything stupid, which I can attribute to former president George W. Bush and our current governor. But I will admit that I am working hard to be in their company.”
“It takes discipline,” said Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-KY). “Hating people doesn’t quite cut it. You have to make sure that you can also blame them for your mistakes. In short, you give them your job. Obama is taking on all of our work, and we ostracize him for it.” He added, “that’s the way we roll.”
In related news, Russian president Vladmir Putin held a conference with himself to in order to compliment himself on “a job well done.” “I couldn’t have done it without you,” said Putin to Putin.