I Deserve A Break Today

Hello all!

The Newsophere will be taking a little hiatus!

But never fear, it will return to its regularly scheduled Bat-time and Bat-channel soon.

For now, feel free to check out articles you may have missed in the archive!

Or if you need a really good laugh, there’s always Fox News.  They’re my comedy superstars.

‘Nuff said.

Excelsior!

The Management

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By clavius42

Kincannon Says Disgusting, Offensive Comments Taken Out of Context

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Todd Kincannon, chairman of the Simpsonville, South Carolina Election Commission, insists that his recent tweet saying that he hoped former football player Ray Rice’s “dumb bitch” fiancee “learned her lesson” when Rice “justifiably beat her ass”, was taken out of context.

“Sure, it was a single tweet,” said Kincannon, “but it was part of a conversation with some friends that we had in jest.  I have nothing but sympathy for the dumb bitch.”

His Twitter account was also suspended last year after inflammatory remarks mocking the murder of Trayvon Martin, also saying that “transgendered people should be placed in a concentration-style camp”, and saying that it was a shame an Iraq war veteran turned anti-war organizer “didn’t come home in a body bag”.

“Am I a dick?  Of course I am,” said Kincannon.  “But we live in a country where assholes like me can exercise their right to be a total dick. Makes me proud.”

“The man is reprehensible,” said one Simpsonville citizen.  “It’s a wonder these people have spouses, let alone children.  He’s just as vile as that horrible fat bastard Rush Limbaugh.  Or is that Ann Coulter?  I always get them mixed up.”

Twitter said that they are considering suspending Kincannon’s second account, but Kincannon is not upset.

“I have an open invitation to host my own show on Fox News,” said Kincannon.

In other news, a belligerent old fart was spotted on CNN blasting away at former Press Secretary Jay Carney.  “It was like they let a rabid dog on the set,” said Carney.

By clavius42

“Fox & Friends” Boasts Taste-Free Programming

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NEW YORK – The hosts of Fox News’ morning show “Fox & Friends” has been taking a lot of heat after jokes they made about fired football player Ray Rice and footage depicting him beating his fiancee in an elevator.

But co-host Steve Doocy defends the behavior.  “If you want tasteful comments, why are you watching our show?” said Doocy.  “Our policy is to offer tact and taste-free programming.  Keeping our comments in check is not what we do at Fox News.  We give viewers what they expect – stupid and crass views on subjects we know next to nothing about.  It’s not like we have degrees or something.”

Co-host Brian Kilmeade explained the philosophy of the show.  “Other morning shows deliver accurate news and thoughtful programming,” said Kilmeade.  “We are all about the opposite.”

New co-host Anna Kooiman was also asked for her opinion, to which she only replied, “I like stuff.”

“It’s not like we trashed some gay liberal battered Spic woman, suggesting she needs a transvaginal ultrasound to shut her up!” added Doocy.  

“Though that would be pretty funny come to think of it.”

In related news, a recent poll suggests that many people believe the world would be a better place if Ann Coulter never talked again.  

By clavius42

GOP Has Extensive Plans to Criticize Obama No Matter What He Does

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WASHINGTON – Today Senators John McCain and Lindsey Graham said that even if President Obama makes the right decisions concerning the situations in the Ukraine, Syria, and Iraq, they will still not be the right ones.

“This is also not excluding, of course, if he decides to do exactly what we suggested,” said Graham.  “In that case, we will blame him for stealing our ideas.”

“It’s a no win situation,” says House Speaker John Boehner.  “Our hatred for the President knows no bounds, and we’ll be damned if we’re going to be upstaged by him now!”

Fox News is planning to run a special depending on what Obama chooses to do regarding the many crises, but the two planned specials will both be called “What Obama Did Wrong”.

“Hey, in our little bubble world we are insulated from facts, common sense, and morality,” said Fox News host Sean Hannity.  “We can do whatever we want, because of course, we’re always right!  At least, that’s what the voices tell us.”

McCain plans to rally against Obama no matter what he does.  “I’ve been wrong about pretty much everything,” said McCain, “but that won’t stop me from being wrong about this.” 

In other news, Eric Cantor scored a job with an investment firm, but promises that he “will remain as big a douche” as he was when he was House Majority Leader…

By clavius42