Republicans Attempt to Appeal to Group Known as ‘Women’

WASHINGTON – As the mid-term elections are on the horizon, many Republican candidates are focusing all of their attention on a very important group of voters known in the party as “women”.

“This group, along with the Hispanics, could very well shift the vote our way,” said Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-KY).  “I am actually competing against one of these ‘women’ in my own state.  At least she’s not Hispanic.”

“Women”‘s votes have been the most difficult to obtain because of their insistence on control of their own bodies, according to one GOP contender.

“It’s like they know what’s best for themselves,” said the contender.  “It puts us in a rather difficult position, when groups which we are courting for votes have minds of their own.”

Insiders have also reported that “women” are actually holding jobs on Fox News, and are even political candidates in the Republican party, but many conservatives feel that the term “women” is being used loosely.

“These ‘women’ are more easily manipulated,” said McConnell.  “We don’t have to worry about them.  After all, they’re practically men.”

In related news, the GOP is asking for special recognition for encouraging groups they despise to vote for them.  “It’s in their best interests, regardless of how much we resent them.”

Political Satirist Overwhelmed by Stupidity He Missed While on Hiatus

A local Texas writer who publishes a political and social satire website returned this week, and was overwhelmed by the volume of stupidity, bad taste, and general awfulness of the headlines.

“It’s baffling,” said the writer, “how anyone in politics, law enforcement and 24 hour news networks can behave this way and still keep their jobs.  It really says something about our society when their kind of behavior becomes the norm.”

During the satirist’s brief hiatus from his humor blog, an armed man walked into the White House, the GOP held up the President’s actions against ISIS because he hadn’t asked them for help, more innocent people were shot by police, and news of a few people infected with the Ebola virus was blown out of proportion by various cable news networks, some even blaming Obama for the “outbreak”.

“But I will admit, the gay marriage thing was pretty cool,” he added.

“I would, however, like to say to those who created the mess in Iraq in the first place, i.e. the Bush administration – whose members are still not yet in prison but are actually still being interviewed regularly on news shows – ‘shut up shut up shut up!'”

The blog writer admits, however, that such idiocy and awfulness is great fodder for his website.

“But I would be perfectly happy not writing my blog in a world that didn’t have the problems we have now…”