Rick Perry Says God Will Prove His Innocence

Texas Governor Rick Perry is insisting that he is not guilty of charges against him for abuse of power, and claims that an even higher power will aid in his case.

“God and justice will prevail,” said Perry.  “In my last presidential campaign, I prayed for a victory.  And God in his infinite wisdom, did what was right.  I think he will aid me just as he did then.  There’s a plan for every one of us, and God has definite plans for me.”

According to sources close to the Almighty, upon hearing of Perry’s statement, God plans to sue Perry for defamation of character. 

Perry blames President Obama for the charges.  “This is a purely political move by the President and his party, in that it has nothing to do with the President or his party.  But it gives me a good excuse to give to my supporters.”

The governor went through the arrest procedure, including a mug shot that was leaked on the internet.  “Given his record,” said the photographer, “he would make a great addition to the criminals in our jail.”

In somewhat related news, the GOP said that they will return soon from vacation with plans to blame Obama for Ferguson, Perry, and Iraq…

Perry Wrongfully Accused of Abuse of Power – “Just Ask Me,” Says Perry

Texas Governor Rick Perry held a press conference today after being indicted by a grand jury in Texas on two counts of abuse of power and coercion over a funding veto he made last year that was seen as being intended to force a local prosecutor to resign.

“The person in question is part of an integrity unit,” said Perry. “If you guys know anything about me, it’s that I could care less about integrity.”

“I deny any wrongdoing, as what I did I did for Texas. If you don’t believe me, just ask me.”

The Public Integrity Unit overseen by the prosecutor investigates wrongdoing by public officials statewide.

“So you can appreciate the irony,” said Travis County District Attorney Rosemary Lehmberg.

“I am not guilty of these charges, I would also like to deny that my veto had anything to do with anything else that the unit would have discovered that I did for the great state of Texas (of course). If you just ask me, I will tell you what you need to know, or least what I think you need to know.”

Perry also maintains that though he will not be seeking re-election as governor, he will be campaigning for president in 2015.

“Let’s face it, this wouldn’t be the first time a crook would be elected, and the last one was also from Texas!”

“I cannot in good conscience support a person charged with ultimate responsibility that has lost the public’s confidence,” Perry added.

“I’m talking about Lehmberg, not me. Really.”

Deep Dark Hole (Rest in Peace, Robin Williams)

 

“You’re not alone.”

When you’re suffering from depression, it’s not much of a comfort, those words.  Because when you’re in that kind of pain, you feel that you are alone.  But that’s just what you tell yourself.  Because when all is said and done, it just isn’t true.

See those celebrities on the covers of those magazines in the check-out line?  Most of the time their happiness is an illusion.  To quote REM, “everybody hurts, sometimes”.

Maybe you ask yourself, “if they can succeed even with depression, why can’t I?”  The simple answer is, everyone is different, and unfortunately, every depression is, too.  Just remember that in most cases it’s something that happens to you – you didn’t create it.

But you can fight it.  And that takes courage.  To most it’s a silent, invisible battle, because it all happens in your head.  But it is a battle, make no mistake.  And there are casualties.  Just remember, the world is a better place with you in it.  Don’t give in – fight back.

You will win.  And most likely, you will have to fight again.  And again.
But there is help.  And there are people who care about you who are willing to help.  But it can’t be their decision or even their wish – it has to be yours.

People who suffer from and battle depression most of their lives are some of the bravest people you will ever meet.

You’re not alone.

Sarah Palin Channel to Be Dubbed in English

Sources close to Sarah Palin say that, after many complaints, the new Sarah Palin Channel will soon have an option to enable English language dubbing.

A Palin spokesman explained that the option is required for any speech that the former Alaskan governor makes on her website.

The new option was suggested after a slam against Sen. Elizabeth Warren  (D-MA) last week.  Many viewers, as well as journalists, had a difficult time deciphering what Palin was saying in her reaction to Warren’s Netroots Nation speech.

“She used words, that’s verified,” said one journalist, “but the order in which she used them and the meaning behind them must have gotten lost in translation somewhere.”

Among one of the many indecipherable passages in Palin’s rebuttal   was “Liberals, you want to send those evil employees who would dare work at a fast food joint then ya just don’t believe in, thought you wanted to, I dunno, send them to Purgatory or somethin’ so they all go vegan?”

“I’m a card-carrying conservative,” said one card-carrying conservative, “and I have no idea what the hell she was talking about. But I do personally blame it on Obama.”

The new online website is losing followers daily, said a national poll.  Many sources say that it may be due to the average citizen’s appreciation for the English language.

“And not the gibberish that Palin seems to be spouting,’ added the Palin spokesman.  “But in her defense, it is grade-A wholesome, all-American gibberish, so in that way it should be appreciated.”

In related news, a nationwide poll suggests that people feel Palin should be prevented from anything where she is required to “say stuff”…

People Who Post Too Many Photos on Facebook May Be Neurotic, According to “Duh!” Magazine

Researchers have found that neurotic and extroverted people tend to upload a higher volume of photos than the rest of the population, according to the weekly publication, “Duh!”

“We have found that many people who use Facebook who post everything from theirselves to their children to what they eat, may just be narcissistic as well,” the article continued.

Neurosis was the official conclusion by many researchers, citing that, thanks to social networks, people can tell total strangers about everything they’re doing.  “These people want acceptance,” the article went on to say.  “Much like people who stop you in malls and try to talk incessantly.”

The magazine says that researchers also contend that smoking cigarettes may cause cancer, watching too much television is bad for your eyes, and eating too much may make a person fat.

“We are also looking into the theory that constant masturbation may cause blindness,” said “Duh!” editor Mark Blankfield, “but so far there hasn’t been any obvious common sense discovered to support it.”

“Duh!” magazine says they are published weekly once articles have been written, advertisements have been included, and the publication has been readied for release.

GOP Lawmaker Confident Palin Will Take America Into 18th Century

Steve Baldwin, a former California lawmaker and executive for the conservative social activist network the Council for National Policy, is proposing a third political party, to be led by Sarah Palin.

“She has the guts and the know-how to take the American people into the eighteenth century,” said Baldwin.  “The Republican party has tried to, but it has consistently failed due to their concentration on impeaching Obama.  We need someone who’s not afraid of regression, and Sarah Palin is our ticket.”

Palin has shown interest in leading an extreme conservative party, but not the tea party.  “They’re just bonkers,” she said.  “We need to get back to the ideals our grandfathers set forth in the Restitution, the Declaration of Codependence, and of course the Bill of Reilly!”

Baldwin said the party should favor traditional 18th century values, when “men were men, women didn’t have rights, and anyone who wasn’t white didn’t have a vote”.

“God, I miss those days,” said Baldwin.

“We need a stable of respected national conservative leaders such as Sarah Palin to lead the charge,” said a supporter of Baldwin, “a woman who’s not afraid to know her place to go back in the kitchen and stay at home.”

“There are a lot of men out there who would prefer that I keep my mouth shut and not say anything unless asked,” said Palin.  “And isn’t that what the 18th century was all about?”

In related news, the Sarah Palin Channel is reported to be a big hit with a demographic consisting of people over 80 with too many cats…

Alabama Representative Accuses Democrats of “War on Morons”

Rep. Mo Brooks (R-AL) says that he is very concerned about the future of America.

“There is a war on morons today,” said Brooks, “and it’s being launched by the Democratic Party!  It’s not a question of race or sex – Obama is in an all-out battle against stupid people.  Of course, his targets seem to mostly be rich Caucasians, but that’s besides the point.”

“It all boils down to a mental issue.  Liberals have a bias against people like me, who can’t be trusted to sit the right way on a toilet seat.  What does he have against morons?  Aren’t we people too? After all that conservatives have done – seriously – are we people?  I really want to know.”

Many members of Congress were unavailable for comment, as they were on vacation coming up with new ways to avoid their jobs.

“Let me say again, this has nothing to do with the supposed idea that African Americans and the immigrants on the border are being favored over white morons by the administration.  It’s a question of idiocy, and what we can do to protect it,” said Brooks.

A few supporters of Brooks in Alabama defended the rep, claiming that their opposition of the “war on morons” was not racially fueled, according to the Grand Wizard in Tallassee.

GOP Hopes to Accomplish At Least One Thing by 2016

WASHINGTON – House Speaker John Boehner appeared on Meet the Press Sunday, saying that the Republican Party has big plans for the coming months.

“It is our goal,” he said, “that through strenuous work and unprecedented dedications of our time, the GOP is looking to accomplish, at the most, one thing by 2016.  We would be very proud of our past accomplishments, if we had made any.”

“The American people don’t realize the time and energy we devote to campaigning against Obamacare, blaming Obama for Benghazi and the plans to sue him.  It’s difficult to work with evidence we never have.”

Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX) says that he is also proud of what he has not done.  “If you look at my track record, you will see that I don’t actually have one,” said Cruz.  “At least I haven’t done anything stupid, which I can attribute to former president George W. Bush and our current governor.  But I will admit that I am working hard to be in their company.”

“It takes discipline,” said Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-KY).  “Hating people doesn’t quite cut it.  You have to make sure that you can also blame them for your mistakes.  In short, you give them your job.  Obama is taking on all of our work, and we ostracize him for it.” He added, “that’s the way we roll.”

In related news, Russian president Vladmir Putin held a conference with himself to in order to compliment himself on “a job well done.”  “I couldn’t have done it without you,” said Putin to Putin.

Sarah Palin Channel Promises Content No One Wants

WASILLA – Over the weekend former Alaska governor, 2008 Republican vice presidential nominee and celebrity in her own mind Sarah Palin launched for her own online channel, called The Sarah Palin Channel.

“It’s my channel, but it’s for you, funded by you,” says the online announcement.  “It’s like Oprah, but without all that pesky reality!”

Palin says, “It’s content that I believe that every God-fearing, Christian, Anglo-Saxon white person of Caucasian descent should watch, to get all the facts that the lamestream media and big government doesn’t want you to know! No ‘hopey-changey’ here, folks! If you want change or even hope, look elsewhere!”

Many journalists have previewed the new channel, saying that it’s a great showcase for content no one wants.  “There hasn’t been this mass of useless material in one channel since Fox News,” said one journalist, “Sarah should be very proud.”

Palin also promises interaction with subscribers.  “You ask me your questions, and I promise I’ll get someone in my staff to look up the answers!”

Preview shows for The Sarah Palin Channel include The Sarah Palin History Page, an in-depth depiction of events that shaped the world, “and why that’s become a problem.”

“History has taught us,” said Palin, “and that’s why it should be stopped.”

Also previewed are the webisodes “Sarah Palin’s Me!  A Celebration of Me!”, “Sarah Palin’s Deep Thoughts with Todd”, “Sarah Palin’s Wasilla Weekend”, “Sarah Palin’s Benghazi Benghazi Benghazi!” and “Sarah Palin’s Rootin’ Tootin’ Facts Shoot Down”.

“You get everything your dysfunctional family needs, all in one hapless cable channel,” says Palin.  “All at the click of a button!  So click my button and see me roar!”

Sarah Palin also has plans for a cable channel network and a run for the presidency, sometime during the sightings of pigs in flight and the sudden climate change in Hell.

Comedians Nationwide Want Trump and Bachmann to Run for President

A large assortment of comedians, satirists, and talk-show hosts are campaigning for Hair Club for Men member Donald Trump and Michele “Never Met a Fact I Liked” Bachmann to run for president in 2016.

“They’re comedy gold,” said “Tonight Show” host Jimmy Fallon.  “If they decide against putting their hats in the ring, it could affect millions of jobs for comedians and comedy writers.”

Bachmann recently said that the Central America immigrant children should be put in “Americanization facilities”, to become “God-fearing, English-speaking Americans, who understand real American values”.

“See? That statement itself could put food on the table for many comics in the industry,” said “Daily Show” host Jon Stewart.  “Screw the American people!  These guys need to be concerned with the welfare of people who make a living joking about what these morons say.”

Donald Trump said earlier this week that “America needs him as much he needs them”.  “Which is to say, not at all,” said Trump.  But me and my hair would like to be in the Oval Office in 2016.  Better than some Kenyan who’s sinking this country with plans that work.”

“It’s like everything they say is fodder some writers could only dream of,” said late night talk show host Jimmy Kimmel.  “SNL couldn’t even come up with these characters, they’re so nuts!”

In related news, a group of Texas comics are praising Texas Governor Rick Perry’s plans for the border.  “Huge amounts of stupid are not that hard to come by when it comes to Perry,” explained one comic.