Mitch McConnell’s face melts onstage, handlers quickly grab him and put him in his custom-made cooler.
Fox News shows network highlights of 2013, nearby bullshit detector overloads.
Paul Ryan recounts true stories he read in tabloid magazines at grocery store.
Mitt Romney dodges security, but is quickly apprehended and dismissed from conference.
Rand Paul wins straw poll, guaranteeing failure to be elected in 2016.
John McCain announces presidential campaign, but is drowned out by uncontrollable laughter.
Vladimir Putin wins “Most Eligible Candidate” award.
Rob Ford wins “Our Man in Canada” award.
Ted Cruz pisses off everyone, but Tea Party is on standby to comfort him.
“I have always thought the German dictator was given a bad rap,” said documentary producer Bill O’Reilly. ”He got what he wanted, he wasn’t afraid to wage war, and he showed true strength. Of course, he also tried to eliminate an entire race of people, but isn’t that our plan for the poor?”
Fox News has made several comparisons between President Obama and Hitler, and most people claiming the connection have made no apologies.
“But with Putin’s clear control of his power,” said Fox News anchor Neil Cavuto, “and Obama’s failure to bomb him into next week, it really makes you wonder what the world would be like if Hitler were alive today. Or maybe even envy!”
In related news, the GOP is lobbying to pass a bill that would change the way people think of such historical figures as Genghis Khan, Benito Mussolini, and Pol Pot…
Mt. Gox, one of the world’s biggest bitcoin exchanges, filed for bankruptcy protection earlier today, after losing a half a billion dollars in virtual money due to hacking. But help may be on the way for bircoin investors.
“We are discussing a joint project with Parker Brothers to use Monopoly money in order to recover from the losses,” said a bitcoin representative. ”It’s a case of non-existent money in exchange for another type of non-existent money.”
The FCE, or Fictional Currency Exchange, is on board to regulate moneys should the plan go ahead. ”We are working to avoid further abuse of internet-only currency. I don’t think anyone wants to repeat the Bejeweled Blitz Crash of ’11. A lot of people took a virtual bath on that one.”
“I think if we all pull together,” bitcoin owner Mark Karpeles said today in a news conference, “gullible online investors will not lose faith in bitcoin, nor any future fictional currency endeavors.”
In related news, bitcoin advises investors to be careful of other frauds, lest they go to Jail, do not pass Go, nor collect $200…
“It’s much easier with illegal immigrants, because they’re brown, and they don’t speak English. If somehow we could make all gays brown and teach them Spanish, it would make my job much easier.”
Many businesses have protested the discriminatory act, saying that they have the right to decide for themselves who to serve. ”We have a newsflash for Governor Brewer,” said one restaurant owner. ”It’s the freakin’ twenty-first century, not the sixties!”
Brewer was quick to counter with explaining that she was only trying to uphold the American way of life. ”White, wealthy, and Conservative,” said Brewer. Why on earth would anyone want to be anything else?”
In somewhat related news, the NRA is suing Texas for preventing teenagers from purchasing firearms. ”It is every teenager’s God-given right to blow away another teenager,” said Vice President Wayne LaPierre.
There are a rapidly growing number of Conservative lawmakers who say they believe that some “old wives tales” are based on fact.
“There is no consensus or evidence suggesting mothers’ backs are being broken because their children are stepping on sidewalk cracks,” one Conservative said. ”That is still conjecture at this point. But there is irrefutable evidence that storks bring babies, thereby negating women’s need for reproductive rights.”
Jerome Corsi, Ph.D (no, really) author of “The Great Oil Conspiracy”, “Obama’s a Gay Nazi”, and “Why Am I Not In a Straitjacket?”, is a fervent supporter of the “stork theory”. ”Anyone who tells you that it’s not possible, is a Liberal, left wing, believer of climate change and the ‘world is round’ theory. In short, total nutcases.”
Many scientists have disproven most of the Conservatives’ “facts” and “evidence”. When asked about “the stork theory”, however, they could not give a straight answer, mostly due to the fact that they couldn’t stop laughing.
“It seems that every other week some Republican politician comes up with something that can be proven false by science, biology, or just plain common sense,” said one scientist.
“To suggest that we would ever use science, biology or common sense in our beliefs, is a mockery of what we stand for,” replied Corsi.
10. Be mine, for Obama’s Apocalypse is coming.
9. You’re my Keystone pipeline to love.
8. You put the Fox in Fox News!
7. Do your eyes get misty when you think of Chris Christie?
6. We’ll hold hands and get rid of the homeless!
5. Is that a filibuster in your pants or are you just glad to see me?
4. Roses are red, violets are blue, Obama is the Devil.
3. I want to be a caveman to your dinosaur.
2. Tell me that we’re happy, but don’t say you’re gay about it.
and the number one Republican National Committee Valentine’s Day E-Card…
1. Cupid’s arrow has im-Palined me!