Top Ten Alternate Titles for Third Hobbit Movie

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As you know, the third Hobbit movie’s subtitle has been changed from There and Back Again to The Battle of the Five Armies.  But that wasn’t the only possible title change.   

Top Ten Alternate Titles for Third Hobbit Movie

10) Attack of the Dwarves (or Revenge of the Sauron)

9) Three More Hours of Middle Earth

8) The End of This Freakin’ Thing

7) Smaug Gets His Own Spin-Off

6) A Tribute to Wigs and Facial Hair

5) Andy Serkis Plays Everyone

4) The Extended Director’s Cash Grab

3) Don’t Drink Anything Before Watching This

2) The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

and the Number One Alternate Title for the Third Hobbit Movie…

1) Peter Jackson’s WETA Dream

By clavius42

Georgia Governor Ensures Generations of Guns Will Be Safe

ELLIJAY, GA – Nathan Deal, governor of Georgia and gun advocate, signed the state’s “Safe Carry Protection Act”, which allows safe treatment for guns in schools, churches, and other public places.
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“Our state has some of the best protections for gun owners in the United States,” said Deal . “And today we strengthen those rights protected by our nation’s most revered founding document, the magazine ‘Guns and Ammo’.”

“I want to ensure that guns and their families will be protected for years to come, to be able to come and go as they please, and to blow away anyone who gets in their way.  Guns are our future – we should treat them with the respect they deserve.”

Many critics of the act are calling it irresponsible, dangerous, and, as one person labeled it, “batshit crazy”.

“Georgia will become a state of gun nuts,” said the critic.  “Wayne LaPierre must be wetting his pants.”

“Why must guns suffer this kind of treatment?” said LaPierre.  “They deserve a place in our country more than anyone or anything. Particularly women and minorities.  And yes, I did wet my pants.”

“I want Georgia to be a safe place for our guns,” added Deal.  “I hope that the rest of the country follows our example, as an example for their children’s guns.”

In other news, Russian president Vladimir Putin denies any involvement in the Ukraine. “Anything resembling reality is not my concern,” said Putin. 

By clavius42

GOP Wages War on Obama, Earth

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The battle of the Republican Party against President Barack Obama continues, with the latest reports showing that the party now has their sights on who they call a frequent collaborator with the President, the planet Earth.

“This so-called ‘Earth Day’, with the selfish focus on this planet’s treatment,” said Sen. Mitch McConnell, “well, it smacks of Obama’s long standing campaign to preserve his presidency just so he can selfishly make sure people are insured and prosperous. If we can concentrate our efforts on the elimination of Earth, Obama will have one less supporter.”

Many members of the GOP have concluded that the planet has been “stingy” with its resources, particularly oil. “We know there is more oil to be had, but just like Obama, there is an evident refusal by Earth to compromise. And if we had our way, we would drain the planet of every last drop. We would also get rid of the word ‘compromise’,” said House Speaker John Boehner.

Conservative radio host Rush Limbaugh weighed in with his thoughts.  “This ‘climate change’, with its increasingly destructive consequences, reminds me of a baby not getting his way and throwing a temper tantrum. And unlike when I do it, it’s just childish behavior! Who does this Earth think it is, anyway?”

Sources in Congress are reporting that a committee is being formed as a contingency to what they call “a dire future for America”. The World Termination Foundation, or WTF, aims to destroy the image of the planet, thereby severing another link to Obama, in hopes of securing a Republican presidency in 2016.

“And of course,” Boehner added, “keeping their best interests in mind, we are counting on the American people to pay for it…”

In other news, many at Fox News deny the disrespectful, possibly racist treatment of Obama as president.  “He is the best treated African-American president in history,” said host Eric Bolling. 

By clavius42

Knowledge is Power: Things I Learned from Watching Movies

1) A character always overhears a conversation and gets the wrong idea.

2) When walking into a room, someone always answers a question they could not possibly have heard.

3) Two characters attempt to kiss, only to be interrupted.

4) One person has vital information to tell another, but after the other person says what they want to say and asks what they wanted, they say “nothing”, or lie.

5) Professional killers can destroy everything but the person they’re trying to kill.

6) An evil mastermind always explains their plan to the secret agent they have caught.

7) Characters can jump across buildings and catch a ledge without fracturing any bones.

8) Characters can also jump down from tall heights, but not break their legs.

9) Cops can kick in doors, no matter what the door is made of.

10) Characters always point a gun at someone, but they don’t cock it, which normally would give their foe a chance to shoot them or escape.

11) Characters who are thrown through glass windows never get cut.

12) After making love, either the couple will be fully dressed in bed, or the man will have a sheet up to his waist and the woman will have a sheet up to her neck.

13) Even in the seediest areas of a city, no one locks their cars.

14) People always leave their keys in their cars, often in the ignition.

15) Everyone knows how to drive motorcycles, boats, and planes.

16) A person who has never picked up a gun will shoot their enemies with accuracy that their assailants don’t have.

17) When someone punches another person in a bar, a bar fight will always start up.

18) If someone gets mad because their cell phone isn’t working, they always throw it.

19) Anyone can hack into high security computers.

20) Family photos always look like they are professionally done.

21) If a character runs across a street, nine times out of ten they will be hit by a car, but they won’t be injured.

22) In a fight, the woman always chooses a vase to break over the bad guy’s head.

23) Being hit with a bottle or a vase does not give a person a concussion.

24) No matter how thick glass is, anyone can jump through it.

25) When one character tells another, “you look terrible!”, the other character doesn’t look any different.

26) Women always wake up in the morning with their hair and makeup perfect.

27) If a man runs down a beam or pipe, he will slip and fall on his crotch, but not be injured.

28) Anyone can breathe underwater indefinitely.

29) If a bad guy is shooting from a balcony and he is shot, he will fall through the railing in front of him.

30) When running from an explosion, people are not injured or killed by shrapnel or debris.

31) Everyone knows the phone numbers and houses where other people live.

32) After the bad guy wrecks his car, the good guy runs up to the driver side, only to discover that the bad guy has disappeared.

33) If there’s a car chase, there’s an endangered fruit stand.

34. A semi truck will always appear when cars are in both lanes.

35. A superhuman villain can throw a normal person across a room, usually into a wall or shelf, but the normal person will not be injured.

36. If the good guy is fighting the bad guy and scratches his cheek, that’s when the fight really begins.

37. PCs boot up and instantly go online, even if the character has dial-up.

38. When there’s a virus on a PC, there will be a big red screen saying “VIRUS”.

39. Alcoholics and people who eat junk food have perfect bodies.

40. All nerdy women look like supermodels when they take off their glasses.

By clavius42

Lego Pegs Classic Martin Scorsese Films for Next Series

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Lego and Traveler’s Tales, the company who makes the Lego video games, are both planning to use a series of classic movies by director Martin Scorsese for their next franchise.

“After tackling Harry Potter, Batman, Star Wars, Marvel, Lord of the Rings, Pirates of the Caribbean, even our very own movie,” says Lego president Bill D. Bloch, “it was only common sense to reimagine Scorsese’s movies in colorful blocks.”   

Movies to be adapted include Mean StreetsTaxi DriverRaging Bull, and Goodfellas.

“It’s a very exciting concept,” says Brick A. Semble, one of the Traveler’s Tales developers.  “For example, when Travis Bickle brutally kills the gangsters in the brothel, all of them turn into valuable studs, which you can use to purchase assorted weapons to use in a variety of psycho vigilante missions.”

“The Lego version of Robert DeNiro will probably be our largest seller. What kid doesn’t want to re-enact Jake La Motta accusing Joey of sleeping with his wife?”

Lego is also talking about adapting what they call Lego Scorsese: The DiCaprio Years, both as video games and playsets.

“We are very confident that the playsets, particularly the jet orgy fromThe Wolf of Wall Street and the Five Points war from Gangs of New York will be instant hits with children of all ages,” says Bloch.

Sources close to Lego say that they are already planning to piece together more franchises based on films by classic directors, to be released each year in assorted blocks of time. 

By clavius42

Hey Kids! It’s an Interview with The Easter Bunny!

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Today I am interviewing one of the most popular holiday icons – the Easter Bunny!

GR: Welcome Mr. Bunny!

EB: Peter, or Pete…

GR: Peter Cottontail?

EB: Whatever floats your boat. Got a smoke?

GR: Isn’t that bad for you?

EB: Hey, it’s my day off. Sue me.

GR: Well I’d like to thank you for coming in on your day off. I suppose you’re getting ready for next Sunday?

EB: Yeah. Got my eggs ordered and everything.

GR: Don’t you make your own eggs?

EB: What do I look like, a chicken? These things come already painted too. Thank God for eBay…

GR: So what do you do when you’re not working?

EB: I play video games mostly.

GR: Really!

EB: Oh yeah, I play lots of games. But I stay away from Nintendo – any games where I have to hop or jump. I do that crap plenty in real life.

GR: So what other hobbies do you have, since you only work one day of the year?

EB: Whatever I like, really.  But I’m really keen on painting.  Not eggs, so don’t ask it.

GR: Didn’t even come to my mind.  Great job!

EB: Yeah, it’s a cushy gig, ain’t it? Great benefits too. Of course, I don’t have the recognition that other holiday icons do, particularly Santa Claus. Fat bastard.

GR: Are you okay with the commercialism of what is actually supposed to be a religious day?

EB: Heck yeah!  I have a deal with Cadbury and the people who make Peeps that keeps me very comfortable.  

GR: Thanks for your time, and “hoppy Easter”!

EB: Yeah, like I’ve never heard that one…

By clavius42

Cosmic Event Makes GOP Tell Truth for a Day

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WASHINGTON – An unusually violent series of solar flares had a decidedly shocking impact yesterday.  Not only were wireless internet and smart phone signals disrupted, but in a strange chain of events, members of the GOP and other conservatives actually told people exactly what they were thinking.

The phenomenon started when conservative radio host and flotation device Rush Limbaugh made a surprising statement on the air.  “Let’s face it folks,” said Limbaugh, “I am a racist, misogynist, heartless blowhard who hates pretty much everyone and everything.  But I would like to thank all you mindless bastards for keeping me employed.  If I wasn’t doing this, I would probably be one of those crazy people you see on the side of a street, yelling at passerbys and to the air!”

During a congressional meeting, Sen. Mitch McConnell, along with his fellow congressman, inadvertently ranted against President Obama on C-SPAN.  “When it comes down to brass tacks, it’s all about Obama being Black.  Why else do you think we criticize him even when he offers up ideas we came up with?  He’s Black, we’re White.  Simple as that.  Washington would be a much better place if we got all the Negroes out of politics.  We can’t have Obama undermining us all with his common sense ideas and knowledge.  And the only way to get rid of him is to show him the least amount of respect any President has ever been given in history.  If Blacks can think for themselves, it’s just as bad as if women did.”

In a Fox News interview, when asked about immigration and the poor, House Speaker John Boehner said he didn’t see what the big deal was.  “Who cares, really?  Are they rich?  No.  Can they further our campaigns?  No.  Who needs them?  Let them go back to where they came from, and stop bothering us.  Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go be the GOP mouthpiece on another program.”

Fox News host Sean Hannity excused Boehner, saying, “we’ll be back with more news we made up or were told to say by the Republican Party, for all of the right-wing elderly who seem to be our biggest demographic.  And remember, we’re the reason George W. Bush had a platform during the Iraq War!” 

NRA Vice President Wayne LaPierre admitted to a dumbfounded group of city council members that “all gun violence does is give us profits, so why stop it?  You can replace lives, but you can’t replace wealth!”

Many conservative groups, after discovering the chain of unfortunately honest events, tried to remove all broadcasts and transcripts of all conversations delivered, but most details and entire shows had already gone viral via YouTube and Twitter.

“It was an entirely fabricated series of ‘mishaps’,” said a Tea Party activist.  “It’s as fictional as the admittedly convincing evidence that there is such a thing as global warming.  Aw man, did I just say that out loud???”

A source close to Fox News says that all footage, including interviews and special reports have been reportedly “lost” for yesterday.  

“Due to unforeseen technical difficulties, Fox News was off the air on Friday, April 11,” said the 24 hour news network’s president Roger Ailes.  “And for those of you who do remember what happened, keep it to yourself.”     

By clavius42

CDC Says Zombie Threat Not Possible Because They Don’t Freakin’ Exist

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Today the CDC (Center for Disease Control) President and CEO Charles Stokes made a public statement to those concerned with a possible threat of zombies infecting the population.

“We at the CDC are removing all active procedures online and in text regarding a possible zombie apocalypse,” said Stokes, “as clear evidence suggests that not only is such a threat not possible, but also that ZOMBIES AREN’T FREAKIN’ REAL!!!”

“C’mon people!  Dead bodies are not going to reanimate because of aliens, satellites, viruses, or magic!  They’re made up!  Like Freddie Krueger!  And the Boogeyman!  All of them are just as non-existent as rappers who use their own music!”

Many requests to the CDC have been submitted for several years, concerning an undead outbreak, as depicted in such popular movies and television shows as Dawn of the Dead and The Walking Dead
“They’re fiction, people,” added Stokes.  “Look around you.  With all the real horror in the world, do you really want to add a fictional threat to the mix?  Get a freakin’ life!”

In related news, CNN will be airing a special report this weekend, entitled, “Did Zombies Attack Flight 370?”…

By clavius42

Top Ten Reasons Why David Letterman is Retiring in 2015

THE LATE SHOW WITH DAVID LETTERMAN

10) Uma. And Oprah.

9) Wants to get his groove on in “Dancing With The Stars”

8) Keeps getting mistaken for extra on “Walking Dead”

7) Eager to start “Toast on a Stick” franchise

6) After what Congress has done, “Stupid Human Tricks” segement is obsolete

7) Wants to retire with Paul Shaffer to a sweet little hideaway of their own

6) J.J. Abrams has him on short list for “Star Wars VII”

5) Three words – Social Security Kegger!

4) Saw future of television in vision, didn’t want to live in a world populated by super-intelligent gerbils

3) Ron Howard wants him for Wilford Brimley role in remake of “Cocoon”

2) Thinks he can win over Bieber fans and become next teen idol.

and the number one Reason Why David Letterman is Retiring in 2015…

1) Because Larry “Bud” Melman would have wanted him to…

By clavius42

Global Warming Must Be Stopped So Wealthy Can Live, Says GOP

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WASHINGTON – Today the GOP issued a statement to the press, finally admitting their concerns with climate change.

“We are still not entirely convinced that there is even such a thing,” said House Speaker John Boehner, “but we are saying that if it becomes a valid concern, there must be measures to insure the well being of the wealthy.”

Recently the Supreme Court ruled 5 – 4 in favor of removing any limits to how much money the wealthy can contribute to their candidates of choice.  Conservative backers David H. Koch and Charles G. Koch supported the ruling whole-heartedly.  “It is our duty, and others like myself i.e. the filthy rich,” said Charles Koch , “to maintain our God-given right to keep as many politicians as we can in our pockets.  And soon, that may just be literal.”

“The world is going through some massive changes, there’s no denying.  And after all the poor people are lost, we have to defend ourselves at all costs.  Which is lucky, since we can afford all costs.”

Justice Antonin Scalia denies that the ruling is biased in any way, shape, or form.  “The 1%, when it really gets down to it, is a minority. So we are just doing what’s best for a put-upon group of individuals. How is this any different from immigration?”

Members of the GOP called a private meeting earlier today, but sources close to Congress say that the subject was the catastrophic effect which might occur is there was a catastrophy.

“I’m not naming names,” said one source, who wished to remain anonymous, “but one member during the session admitted that this may have more importance than what happened in Benghazi.  For him to say that, you know they’re really scared of what would happen to their financiers – er, the job creators.”

In somewhat related news, conservatives gathered around the Washington Mall to light 7 million candles, which represented the people who signed up for Obamacare.  “Our hearts go out to the men and women who will be receiving affordable healthcare.  Haven’t they thought of their families???”

By clavius42