GOP Hopes to Accomplish At Least One Thing by 2016

John Boehner, Kevin McCarthy

WASHINGTON – House Speaker John Boehner appeared on Meet the Press Sunday, saying that the Republican Party has big plans for the coming months.

“It is our goal,” he said, “that through strenuous work and unprecedented dedications of our time, the GOP is looking to accomplish, at the most, one thing by 2016.  We would be very proud of our past accomplishments, if we had made any.”

“The American people don’t realize the time and energy we devote to campaigning against Obamacare, blaming Obama for Benghazi and the plans to sue him.  It’s difficult to work with evidence we never have.”

Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX) says that he is also proud of what he has not done.  “If you look at my track record, you will see that I don’t actually have one,” said Cruz.  “At least I haven’t done anything stupid, which I can attribute to former president George W. Bush and our current governor.  But I will admit that I am working hard to be in their company.”

“It takes discipline,” said Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-KY).  “Hating people doesn’t quite cut it.  You have to make sure that you can also blame them for your mistakes.  In short, you give them your job.  Obama is taking on all of our work, and we ostracize him for it.” He added, “that’s the way we roll.”

In related news, Russian president Vladmir Putin held a conference with himself to in order to compliment himself on “a job well done.”  “I couldn’t have done it without you,” said Putin to Putin.

By clavius42

Sarah Palin Channel Promises Content No One Wants

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WASILLA – Over the weekend former Alaska governor, 2008 Republican vice presidential nominee and celebrity in her own mind Sarah Palin launched for her own online channel, called The Sarah Palin Channel.

“It’s my channel, but it’s for you, funded by you,” says the online announcement.  “It’s like Oprah, but without all that pesky reality!”

Palin says, “It’s content that I believe that every God-fearing, Christian, Anglo-Saxon white person of Caucasian descent should watch, to get all the facts that the lamestream media and big government doesn’t want you to know! No ‘hopey-changey’ here, folks! If you want change or even hope, look elsewhere!”

Many journalists have previewed the new channel, saying that it’s a great showcase for content no one wants.  “There hasn’t been this mass of useless material in one channel since Fox News,” said one journalist, “Sarah should be very proud.”

Palin also promises interaction with subscribers.  “You ask me your questions, and I promise I’ll get someone in my staff to look up the answers!”

Preview shows for The Sarah Palin Channel include The Sarah Palin History Page, an in-depth depiction of events that shaped the world, “and why that’s become a problem.”

“History has taught us,” said Palin, “and that’s why it should be stopped.”

Also previewed are the webisodes “Sarah Palin’s Me!  A Celebration of Me!”, “Sarah Palin’s Deep Thoughts with Todd”, “Sarah Palin’s Wasilla Weekend”, “Sarah Palin’s Benghazi Benghazi Benghazi!” and “Sarah Palin’s Rootin’ Tootin’ Facts Shoot Down”.

“You get everything your dysfunctional family needs, all in one hapless cable channel,” says Palin.  “All at the click of a button!  So click my button and see me roar!”

Sarah Palin also has plans for a cable channel network and a run for the presidency, sometime during the sightings of pigs in flight and the sudden climate change in Hell.

By clavius42

Comedians Nationwide Want Trump and Bachmann to Run for President

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A large assortment of comedians, satirists, and talk-show hosts are campaigning for Hair Club for Men member Donald Trump and Michele “Never Met a Fact I Liked” Bachmann to run for president in 2016.

“They’re comedy gold,” said “Tonight Show” host Jimmy Fallon.  “If they decide against putting their hats in the ring, it could affect millions of jobs for comedians and comedy writers.”

Bachmann recently said that the Central America immigrant children should be put in “Americanization facilities”, to become “God-fearing, English-speaking Americans, who understand real American values”.

“See? That statement itself could put food on the table for many comics in the industry,” said “Daily Show” host Jon Stewart.  “Screw the American people!  These guys need to be concerned with the welfare of people who make a living joking about what these morons say.”

Donald Trump said earlier this week that “America needs him as much he needs them”.  “Which is to say, not at all,” said Trump.  But me and my hair would like to be in the Oval Office in 2016.  Better than some Kenyan who’s sinking this country with plans that work.”

“It’s like everything they say is fodder some writers could only dream of,” said late night talk show host Jimmy Kimmel.  “SNL couldn’t even come up with these characters, they’re so nuts!”

In related news, a group of Texas comics are praising Texas Governor Rick Perry’s plans for the border.  “Huge amounts of stupid are not that hard to come by when it comes to Perry,” explained one comic.

By clavius42

Texas Planning to Secede from Rick Perry

Rick Perry

As a result of numerous misguided decisions, including sending Texas National Guard troops to secure the border in order to solve the immigration crisis, many citizens of Texas are now calling for the secession of Texas from Governor Rick Perry.

“We want our children educated, our women treated fairly, and a state-wide ban on bullshit, and this looks like a good place to start,” said one native Texan.

There are already plans to hold rallies calling for support of the radical decision, in hopes of ousting the governor and his ideals.

Perry expressed his shock upon hearing of the movement.  “When people said that they hated me, and wanted me to leave the state, I thought it was one of those jokes people have played on me during my time as governor where people pretended to hate me and wanted me to leave the state,” said Rick Perry.  “But I guess they mean business this time.”

“If I have learned one thing from this,” added Perry, “then I have failed as a politician.”

By clavius42

Creationist Says Aliens Ungodly, On Fast Track to Hell

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Creationist Ken Ham says people shouldn’t bother with looking for aliens anymore, since none were mentioned in the Bible.

“They’re not mentioned in the Bible, therefore they don’t exist, therefore why bother?” said Ham. “And if they did exist, they would probably be immigrant homosexuals, so they’re on the fast track to hell!”

Ham is president and CEO of Answers in Genesis and the Creation Museum in Petersburg, Kentucky, which features displays of man and dinosaurs co-existing.

“Since the world is only 7,000 years old, anything older than that would be ungodly.  Which means that aliens are ungodly.  People believe liberal nonsense like Close Encounters of the Third Kind and E.T..  In that one, a heathen alien even has a friendship with a God fearing boy!  Some people call it a classic, I call it blasphemous!”

NASA administrator Charles Bolden said last week that it’s “highly improbable in the limitless vastness of the universe that we humans stand alone”.  “But because of people like Ham, it’s even more improbable that they would ever contact us,” added Bolden.

“Aliens are just as made up as Bigfoot, the Loch Ness Monster, and global warming,” said Ham.  “There’s something I wear that protects me from the lies spread by liberals, and if the president had any decency, he would make all of us wear tinfoil hats!”

By clavius42

Even With Leader Gone, Westboro Baptist Church Members Still Total Dicks

Members of the Westboro Baptist Church from Topeka Kansas demonstrate against homosexuality

The members of the Westboro Baptist Church in Topeka, Kansas are now celebrating the tragic crash of Malaysian Airlines Flight MH17, making them one of the largest groups of heartless assholes in the world.

Even with the passing of leader Fred Phelps earlier this year, the Westboro Baptist Church still retains the mantle of being total dicks to anyone who is not them.

“There were AIDS researchers on that plane,” said one Westboro member.  “What if one of them discovered a cure for AIDS?  Then we would have to blame someone else other than fags for our problems!”

Some claim that members of the church are possibly mentally unbalanced.  But in their defense, one member said that “someone would have to put people who support open carry laws and right-wing conspiracy theorists in that group, so clearly that’s a ridiculous claim!”

“It’s God’s will that those planes went down,” said Phelps’ widow Margie Marie Simms, “it’s also God’s will that we should be utterly and totally inhuman to innocent groups of people.  That’s what God’s America is all about!  Or at least, that’s what we think it is in our tiny little, hate-filled, racist, homophobic, brain-dead world.”

When asked for a comment, a representative for God said he wished to convey a message from the Almighty asking the Westboro Baptist Church to “shut the fuck up”…

By clavius42

Barney Dead at 85,000,000

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Everybody’s favorite lovable purple dinosaur passed away this weekend after committing suicide in his Santa Monica loft. Details are sketchy at this time, but it has been learned that Barney had gradually grown more and more depressed in the last five months.

“That happy go-lucky attitude was a front,” confides Stuart Longly, Barney’s therapist for six years. “I think the pressure of having to be full of glee twenty-four hours a day took its toll, as it would on any purple dinosaur.”

Barney started life as a carnivorous T-Rex in the Mesozoic Period, until he caught the show business bug in the ‘70’s, featured in such shows as Land of the Lost and movies such as Baby: Secret of the Lost Legend.

But early in 1983, he was influenced by New Age teachings under the instruction of Supu Copra (not to be confused with Topak Coba, Suprak Toba, or Deepak Chopra). “It changed my life,” Barney confessed earlier in a 1990 People interview. “I no longer felt the need to consume meat, go on rampages, or even roar. What I wanted to do from then on was make children happy, and sing!”

He was gradually picked up by PBS and gained a huge following by children all over the world for his television show. “Things were just too good to be true, and then the realizations kicked in,” Longly explains. “After all, most of his friends were now oil.”

The funeral services for Barney will be held at the LaBrea Tar Pits next Wednesday.

By clavius42

GOP Coming Up with New Reasons for Impeaching Obama

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WASHINGTON – Today House Speaker John Boehner took a break from figuring out how to sue President Obama in order to come up with new reasons to impeach him.

“We are working, not on the economic problems, the immigration problems, or any other problems,” said Boehner, “but instead to focus all of our energy on how to impeach Obama.  I wanted to push the envelope a little, so I suggested that we sue him.  But make no mistake, we have been working hard to find a good reason to impeach the President all along.”

Members of the GOP admitted that impeaching Obama for the IRS scandal, Bowe Bergdahl, the border crisis, and Benghazi are ideas that getting a tad overused.  Instead, new reasons are being considered.

“At the top of list are bad smart phone reception, vaccinations, gluten, flight delays, and selfies,” said Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-KY).  “We are also looking into whether or not we can impeach him because he’s black.  That was my idea, by the way.”

“He’s doing his job,” said Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-SC), “and it seems that he’s doing it well.  We can’t have that in a president.  If we take over the Senate, we will oust him with every lamebrained, easy-to- disprove reason we can come up with.”

In other news, many towns don’t want shelters for immigrant kids, because they haven’t quite figured out the whole “they’re just children” thing…

By clavius42

Louie Gohmert Wants Texas to Use Nukes to Stop Immigrants

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During a speech on the House floor Friday, Rep. Louie Gohmert (R-TX) compared the surge of unaccompanied migrant children to soldiers invading France during World War II.

“It’s an invasion, and Obama should know, because if he had been around in the 40’s, he would have started WW II.  And who’s to say he wasn’t?”

Gohmert asked Gov. Rick Perry (R-TX) to “use whatever means” like troops, ships of war, or taxes.  But the rep said that the best method would be to use nukes on the border.

“That way we can get the sumbitches where they live,” said Gohmert. “Then we could get big fans to blow the radiation back into Mexico, like the ones the liberals use to create climate change!”

Gohmert criticized President Obama’s request for Congress to provide $3.7 billion in emergency funds to aid the immigrants, saying that “the only thing that can stop a bad immigrant is a good immigrant, like Ted Cruz”.

“We see eye to eye on things,” said Gohmert.  “Me and him, and Perry.  And Perry is already down there with the best idea so far – shewt ‘em.”

The GOP has issued a statement today denouncing the rep’s request for a “nucular deterrent”, saying that “Gohmert exceeds even our level of idiocy.”

In related news, a recent Gallup poll has suggested that 85% of Texans polled want to secede from the Republican Party…

By clavius42

Todd Akin’s Advice for Republicans

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Hello, I’m Todd Akin.  You know, the “legitimate rape” guy?

I still stand by what I said, after I apologized for it, because that’s what good conservatives do.

Being conservative for me is a way of life, and if you’ll pay attention, I will give you tips on how to win the 2016 election.

1) Don’t mention me,  I lost an election.  Also, don’t talk about “legitimate rape”, or anything that even sounds like “legitimate rape”.
examples: “incriminate crepe”, “imminent jape”, “illegitimate cape”

2) Be more conservative.  It seems to me that some of you need to up your conservatism.  Basically, if you see someone demonstrating his conservatism, up the ante.  If he says he’s against gun control, then you say you’re against gun control because God wants it.

3) Don’t answer questions until you ignore the facts.  Knowledge may be power to liberals, but it’s also a bane of our party’s existence.  I’m not saying that you should fabricate what you say, just say what you know.  Which, come to think of it, might get the same results.

4) Know your enemy.  If it’s a woman, you have fuel right there, because it’s a proven scientific fact that women store their knowledge in their abdomen.  Their bodies may not have defense mechanisms which prevent rape (I still stand by what I said, by the way), but you know their knowledge has to come from somewhere, and it’s certainly not coming from men parts.

5) Don’t lose.  If you remember anything from this helpful guide, remember this – losing is humiliating.  Just ask me.  I have experience.
Not losing will give you at least a 95% chance to win the election.  Or 65%.  I’m terrible with math.

I hope these helpful tips will help you.  Now if you’ll excuse me, there’s a woman’s anatomy pop-up book calling my name.  Seriously.

Best of luck!

Todd Akin
GOP Senate candidate (but I wouldn’t hold my breath)

By clavius42