I Deserve A Break Today

Hello all!

The Newsophere will be taking a little hiatus!

But never fear, it will return to its regularly scheduled Bat-time and Bat-channel soon.

For now, feel free to check out articles you may have missed in the archive!

Or if you need a really good laugh, there’s always Fox News.  They’re my comedy superstars.

‘Nuff said.

Excelsior!

The Management

By clavius42

Kincannon Says Disgusting, Offensive Comments Taken Out of Context

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Todd Kincannon, chairman of the Simpsonville, South Carolina Election Commission, insists that his recent tweet saying that he hoped former football player Ray Rice’s “dumb bitch” fiancee “learned her lesson” when Rice “justifiably beat her ass”, was taken out of context.

“Sure, it was a single tweet,” said Kincannon, “but it was part of a conversation with some friends that we had in jest.  I have nothing but sympathy for the dumb bitch.”

His Twitter account was also suspended last year after inflammatory remarks mocking the murder of Trayvon Martin, also saying that “transgendered people should be placed in a concentration-style camp”, and saying that it was a shame an Iraq war veteran turned anti-war organizer “didn’t come home in a body bag”.

“Am I a dick?  Of course I am,” said Kincannon.  “But we live in a country where assholes like me can exercise their right to be a total dick. Makes me proud.”

“The man is reprehensible,” said one Simpsonville citizen.  “It’s a wonder these people have spouses, let alone children.  He’s just as vile as that horrible fat bastard Rush Limbaugh.  Or is that Ann Coulter?  I always get them mixed up.”

Twitter said that they are considering suspending Kincannon’s second account, but Kincannon is not upset.

“I have an open invitation to host my own show on Fox News,” said Kincannon.

In other news, a belligerent old fart was spotted on CNN blasting away at former Press Secretary Jay Carney.  “It was like they let a rabid dog on the set,” said Carney.

By clavius42

“Fox & Friends” Boasts Taste-Free Programming

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NEW YORK – The hosts of Fox News’ morning show “Fox & Friends” has been taking a lot of heat after jokes they made about fired football player Ray Rice and footage depicting him beating his fiancee in an elevator.

But co-host Steve Doocy defends the behavior.  “If you want tasteful comments, why are you watching our show?” said Doocy.  “Our policy is to offer tact and taste-free programming.  Keeping our comments in check is not what we do at Fox News.  We give viewers what they expect – stupid and crass views on subjects we know next to nothing about.  It’s not like we have degrees or something.”

Co-host Brian Kilmeade explained the philosophy of the show.  “Other morning shows deliver accurate news and thoughtful programming,” said Kilmeade.  “We are all about the opposite.”

New co-host Anna Kooiman was also asked for her opinion, to which she only replied, “I like stuff.”

“It’s not like we trashed some gay liberal battered Spic woman, suggesting she needs a transvaginal ultrasound to shut her up!” added Doocy.  

“Though that would be pretty funny come to think of it.”

In related news, a recent poll suggests that many people believe the world would be a better place if Ann Coulter never talked again.  

By clavius42

GOP Has Extensive Plans to Criticize Obama No Matter What He Does

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WASHINGTON – Today Senators John McCain and Lindsey Graham said that even if President Obama makes the right decisions concerning the situations in the Ukraine, Syria, and Iraq, they will still not be the right ones.

“This is also not excluding, of course, if he decides to do exactly what we suggested,” said Graham.  “In that case, we will blame him for stealing our ideas.”

“It’s a no win situation,” says House Speaker John Boehner.  “Our hatred for the President knows no bounds, and we’ll be damned if we’re going to be upstaged by him now!”

Fox News is planning to run a special depending on what Obama chooses to do regarding the many crises, but the two planned specials will both be called “What Obama Did Wrong”.

“Hey, in our little bubble world we are insulated from facts, common sense, and morality,” said Fox News host Sean Hannity.  “We can do whatever we want, because of course, we’re always right!  At least, that’s what the voices tell us.”

McCain plans to rally against Obama no matter what he does.  “I’ve been wrong about pretty much everything,” said McCain, “but that won’t stop me from being wrong about this.” 

In other news, Eric Cantor scored a job with an investment firm, but promises that he “will remain as big a douche” as he was when he was House Majority Leader…

By clavius42

Fox News Discovered to be Elaborate Prank by Lorne Michaels

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NEW YORK – Sources close to NBC are saying what many in the industry have suspected all along – the Fox News Channel is an extremely elaborate prank created by SNL producer Lorne Michaels.

“It would explain so many things,” said one industry insider.  “No human being, let alone a large group of them, could be as unintentionally hilarious as the team at Fox News.”

“I admit nothing,” says Michaels.  “But if one did come up with such a devious plan. that individual would be uncommonly brilliant.” He then winked at this reporter.

With the 2014 Emmys airing tonight, there is also much speculation as to which show will win for best comedy series.

“If the truth is discovered before the broadcast,” said one producer, “and admit it, Lorne, you know it’s true – then Lorne Michaels and his Fox News team could very well sweep the comedy awards.”

Fox News president Roger Ailes was asked for comment, only to say that the slogan for the alleged twenty-four news network would be changing soon from “Fair and Balanced” to “Funny or Die”…  

By clavius42

Rick Perry Says God Will Prove His Innocence

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Texas Governor Rick Perry is insisting that he is not guilty of charges against him for abuse of power, and claims that an even higher power will aid in his case.

“God and justice will prevail,” said Perry.  “In my last presidential campaign, I prayed for a victory.  And God in his infinite wisdom, did what was right.  I think he will aid me just as he did then.  There’s a plan for every one of us, and God has definite plans for me.”

According to sources close to the Almighty, upon hearing of Perry’s statement, God plans to sue Perry for defamation of character. 

Perry blames President Obama for the charges.  “This is a purely political move by the President and his party, in that it has nothing to do with the President or his party.  But it gives me a good excuse to give to my supporters.”

The governor went through the arrest procedure, including a mug shot that was leaked on the internet.  “Given his record,” said the photographer, “he would make a great addition to the criminals in our jail.”

In somewhat related news, the GOP said that they will return soon from vacation with plans to blame Obama for Ferguson, Perry, and Iraq…

By clavius42

Perry Wrongfully Accused of Abuse of Power – “Just Ask Me,” Says Perry

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Texas Governor Rick Perry held a press conference today after being indicted by a grand jury in Texas on two counts of abuse of power and coercion over a funding veto he made last year that was seen as being intended to force a local prosecutor to resign.

“The person in question is part of an integrity unit,” said Perry. “If you guys know anything about me, it’s that I could care less about integrity.”

“I deny any wrongdoing, as what I did I did for Texas. If you don’t believe me, just ask me.”

The Public Integrity Unit overseen by the prosecutor investigates wrongdoing by public officials statewide.

“So you can appreciate the irony,” said Travis County District Attorney Rosemary Lehmberg.

“I am not guilty of these charges, I would also like to deny that my veto had anything to do with anything else that the unit would have discovered that I did for the great state of Texas (of course). If you just ask me, I will tell you what you need to know, or least what I think you need to know.”

Perry also maintains that though he will not be seeking re-election as governor, he will be campaigning for president in 2015.

“Let’s face it, this wouldn’t be the first time a crook would be elected, and the last one was also from Texas!”

“I cannot in good conscience support a person charged with ultimate responsibility that has lost the public’s confidence,” Perry added.

“I’m talking about Lehmberg, not me. Really.”

By clavius42

Deep Dark Hole (Rest in Peace, Robin Williams)

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“You’re not alone.”

When you’re suffering from depression, it’s not much of a comfort, those words.  Because when you’re in that kind of pain, you feel that you are alone.  But that’s just what you tell yourself.  Because when all is said and done, it just isn’t true.

See those celebrities on the covers of those magazines in the check-out line?  Most of the time their happiness is an illusion.  To quote REM, “everybody hurts, sometimes”.

Maybe you ask yourself, “if they can succeed even with depression, why can’t I?”  The simple answer is, everyone is different, and unfortunately, every depression is, too.  Just remember that in most cases it’s something that happens to you – you didn’t create it.

But you can fight it.  And that takes courage.  To most it’s a silent, invisible battle, because it all happens in your head.  But it is a battle, make no mistake.  And there are casualties.  Just remember, the world is a better place with you in it.  Don’t give in – fight back.

You will win.  And most likely, you will have to fight again.  And again.
But there is help.  And there are people who care about you who are willing to help.  But it can’t be their decision or even their wish – it has to be yours.

People who suffer from and battle depression most of their lives are some of the bravest people you will ever meet.

You’re not alone.

By clavius42

Sarah Palin Channel to Be Dubbed in English

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Sources close to Sarah Palin say that, after many complaints, the new Sarah Palin Channel will soon have an option to enable English language dubbing.

A Palin spokesman explained that the option is required for any speech that the former Alaskan governor makes on her website.

The new option was suggested after a slam against Sen. Elizabeth Warren  (D-MA) last week.  Many viewers, as well as journalists, had a difficult time deciphering what Palin was saying in her reaction to Warren’s Netroots Nation speech.

“She used words, that’s verified,” said one journalist, “but the order in which she used them and the meaning behind them must have gotten lost in translation somewhere.”

Among one of the many indecipherable passages in Palin’s rebuttal   was “Liberals, you want to send those evil employees who would dare work at a fast food joint then ya just don’t believe in, thought you wanted to, I dunno, send them to Purgatory or somethin’ so they all go vegan?”

“I’m a card-carrying conservative,” said one card-carrying conservative, “and I have no idea what the hell she was talking about. But I do personally blame it on Obama.”

The new online website is losing followers daily, said a national poll.  Many sources say that it may be due to the average citizen’s appreciation for the English language.

“And not the gibberish that Palin seems to be spouting,’ added the Palin spokesman.  “But in her defense, it is grade-A wholesome, all-American gibberish, so in that way it should be appreciated.”

In related news, a nationwide poll suggests that people feel Palin should be prevented from anything where she is required to “say stuff”…

By clavius42

People Who Post Too Many Photos on Facebook May Be Neurotic, According to “Duh!” Magazine

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Researchers have found that neurotic and extroverted people tend to upload a higher volume of photos than the rest of the population, according to the weekly publication, “Duh!”

“We have found that many people who use Facebook who post everything from theirselves to their children to what they eat, may just be narcissistic as well,” the article continued.

Neurosis was the official conclusion by many researchers, citing that, thanks to social networks, people can tell total strangers about everything they’re doing.  “These people want acceptance,” the article went on to say.  “Much like people who stop you in malls and try to talk incessantly.”

The magazine says that researchers also contend that smoking cigarettes may cause cancer, watching too much television is bad for your eyes, and eating too much may make a person fat.

“We are also looking into the theory that constant masturbation may cause blindness,” said “Duh!” editor Mark Blankfield, “but so far there hasn’t been any obvious common sense discovered to support it.”

“Duh!” magazine says they are published weekly once articles have been written, advertisements have been included, and the publication has been readied for release.

By clavius42