WASHINGTON – As the mid-term elections are on the horizon, many Republican candidates are focusing all of their attention on a very important group of voters known in the party as “women”.
“This group, along with the Hispanics, could very well shift the vote our way,” said Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-KY). “I am actually competing against one of these ‘women’ in my own state. At least she’s not Hispanic.”
“Women”‘s votes have been the most difficult to obtain because of their insistence on control of their own bodies, according to one GOP contender.
“It’s like they know what’s best for themselves,” said the contender. “It puts us in a rather difficult position, when groups which we are courting for votes have minds of their own.”
Insiders have also reported that “women” are actually holding jobs on Fox News, and are even political candidates in the Republican party, but many conservatives feel that the term “women” is being used loosely.
“These ‘women’ are more easily manipulated,” said McConnell. “We don’t have to worry about them. After all, they’re practically men.”
In related news, the GOP is asking for special recognition for encouraging groups they despise to vote for them. “It’s in their best interests, regardless of how much we resent them.”
A local Texas writer who publishes a political and social satire website returned this week, and was overwhelmed by the volume of stupidity, bad taste, and general awfulness of the headlines.
“It’s baffling,” said the writer, “how anyone in politics, law enforcement and 24 hour news networks can behave this way and still keep their jobs. It really says something about our society when their kind of behavior becomes the norm.”
During the satirist’s brief hiatus from his humor blog, an armed man walked into the White House, the GOP held up the President’s actions against ISIS because he hadn’t asked them for help, more innocent people were shot by police, and news of a few people infected with the Ebola virus was blown out of proportion by various cable news networks, some even blaming Obama for the “outbreak”.
“But I will admit, the gay marriage thing was pretty cool,” he added.
“I would, however, like to say to those who created the mess in Iraq in the first place, i.e. the Bush administration – whose members are still not yet in prison but are actually still being interviewed regularly on news shows – ‘shut up shut up shut up!'”
The blog writer admits, however, that such idiocy and awfulness is great fodder for his website.
“But I would be perfectly happy not writing my blog in a world that didn’t have the problems we have now…”
The Newsophere will be taking a little hiatus!
But never fear, it will return to its regularly scheduled Bat-time and Bat-channel soon.
For now, feel free to check out articles you may have missed in the archive!
Or if you need a really good laugh, there’s always Fox News. They’re my comedy superstars.
Todd Kincannon, chairman of the Simpsonville, South Carolina Election Commission, insists that his recent tweet saying that he hoped former football player Ray Rice’s “dumb bitch” fiancee “learned her lesson” when Rice “justifiably beat her ass”, was taken out of context.
“Sure, it was a single tweet,” said Kincannon, “but it was part of a conversation with some friends that we had in jest. I have nothing but sympathy for the dumb bitch.”
His Twitter account was also suspended last year after inflammatory remarks mocking the murder of Trayvon Martin, also saying that “transgendered people should be placed in a concentration-style camp”, and saying that it was a shame an Iraq war veteran turned anti-war organizer “didn’t come home in a body bag”.
“Am I a dick? Of course I am,” said Kincannon. “But we live in a country where assholes like me can exercise their right to be a total dick. Makes me proud.”
“The man is reprehensible,” said one Simpsonville citizen. “It’s a wonder these people have spouses, let alone children. He’s just as vile as that horrible fat bastard Rush Limbaugh. Or is that Ann Coulter? I always get them mixed up.”
Twitter said that they are considering suspending Kincannon’s second account, but Kincannon is not upset.
“I have an open invitation to host my own show on Fox News,” said Kincannon.
In other news, a belligerent old fart was spotted on CNN blasting away at former Press Secretary Jay Carney. “It was like they let a rabid dog on the set,” said Carney.
NEW YORK – The hosts of Fox News’ morning show “Fox & Friends” has been taking a lot of heat after jokes they made about fired football player Ray Rice and footage depicting him beating his fiancee in an elevator.
But co-host Steve Doocy defends the behavior. “If you want tasteful comments, why are you watching our show?” said Doocy. “Our policy is to offer tact and taste-free programming. Keeping our comments in check is not what we do at Fox News. We give viewers what they expect – stupid and crass views on subjects we know next to nothing about. It’s not like we have degrees or something.”
Co-host Brian Kilmeade explained the philosophy of the show. “Other morning shows deliver accurate news and thoughtful programming,” said Kilmeade. “We are all about the opposite.”
New co-host Anna Kooiman was also asked for her opinion, to which she only replied, “I like stuff.”
“It’s not like we trashed some gay liberal battered Spic woman, suggesting she needs a transvaginal ultrasound to shut her up!” added Doocy.
“Though that would be pretty funny come to think of it.”
In related news, a recent poll suggests that many people believe the world would be a better place if Ann Coulter never talked again.
WASHINGTON – Today Senators John McCain and Lindsey Graham said that even if President Obama makes the right decisions concerning the situations in the Ukraine, Syria, and Iraq, they will still not be the right ones.
“This is also not excluding, of course, if he decides to do exactly what we suggested,” said Graham. “In that case, we will blame him for stealing our ideas.”
“It’s a no win situation,” says House Speaker John Boehner. “Our hatred for the President knows no bounds, and we’ll be damned if we’re going to be upstaged by him now!”
Fox News is planning to run a special depending on what Obama chooses to do regarding the many crises, but the two planned specials will both be called “What Obama Did Wrong”.
“Hey, in our little bubble world we are insulated from facts, common sense, and morality,” said Fox News host Sean Hannity. “We can do whatever we want, because of course, we’re always right! At least, that’s what the voices tell us.”
McCain plans to rally against Obama no matter what he does. “I’ve been wrong about pretty much everything,” said McCain, “but that won’t stop me from being wrong about this.”
In other news, Eric Cantor scored a job with an investment firm, but promises that he “will remain as big a douche” as he was when he was House Majority Leader…
NEW YORK – Sources close to NBC are saying what many in the industry have suspected all along – the Fox News Channel is an extremely elaborate prank created by SNL producer Lorne Michaels.
“It would explain so many things,” said one industry insider. “No human being, let alone a large group of them, could be as unintentionally hilarious as the team at Fox News.”
“I admit nothing,” says Michaels. “But if one did come up with such a devious plan. that individual would be uncommonly brilliant.” He then winked at this reporter.
With the 2014 Emmys airing tonight, there is also much speculation as to which show will win for best comedy series.
“If the truth is discovered before the broadcast,” said one producer, “and admit it, Lorne, you know it’s true – then Lorne Michaels and his Fox News team could very well sweep the comedy awards.”
Fox News president Roger Ailes was asked for comment, only to say that the slogan for the alleged twenty-four news network would be changing soon from “Fair and Balanced” to “Funny or Die”…
Texas Governor Rick Perry is insisting that he is not guilty of charges against him for abuse of power, and claims that an even higher power will aid in his case.
“God and justice will prevail,” said Perry. “In my last presidential campaign, I prayed for a victory. And God in his infinite wisdom, did what was right. I think he will aid me just as he did then. There’s a plan for every one of us, and God has definite plans for me.”
According to sources close to the Almighty, upon hearing of Perry’s statement, God plans to sue Perry for defamation of character.
Perry blames President Obama for the charges. “This is a purely political move by the President and his party, in that it has nothing to do with the President or his party. But it gives me a good excuse to give to my supporters.”
The governor went through the arrest procedure, including a mug shot that was leaked on the internet. “Given his record,” said the photographer, “he would make a great addition to the criminals in our jail.”
In somewhat related news, the GOP said that they will return soon from vacation with plans to blame Obama for Ferguson, Perry, and Iraq…
Texas Governor Rick Perry held a press conference today after being indicted by a grand jury in Texas on two counts of abuse of power and coercion over a funding veto he made last year that was seen as being intended to force a local prosecutor to resign.
“The person in question is part of an integrity unit,” said Perry. “If you guys know anything about me, it’s that I could care less about integrity.”
“I deny any wrongdoing, as what I did I did for Texas. If you don’t believe me, just ask me.”
The Public Integrity Unit overseen by the prosecutor investigates wrongdoing by public officials statewide.
“So you can appreciate the irony,” said Travis County District Attorney Rosemary Lehmberg.
“I am not guilty of these charges, I would also like to deny that my veto had anything to do with anything else that the unit would have discovered that I did for the great state of Texas (of course). If you just ask me, I will tell you what you need to know, or least what I think you need to know.”
Perry also maintains that though he will not be seeking re-election as governor, he will be campaigning for president in 2015.
“Let’s face it, this wouldn’t be the first time a crook would be elected, and the last one was also from Texas!”
“I cannot in good conscience support a person charged with ultimate responsibility that has lost the public’s confidence,” Perry added.
“I’m talking about Lehmberg, not me. Really.”