Creationist Says Aliens Ungodly, On Fast Track to Hell

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Creationist Ken Ham says people shouldn’t bother with looking for aliens anymore, since none were mentioned in the Bible.

“They’re not mentioned in the Bible, therefore they don’t exist, therefore why bother?” said Ham. “And if they did exist, they would probably be immigrant homosexuals, so they’re on the fast track to hell!”

Ham is president and CEO of Answers in Genesis and the Creation Museum in Petersburg, Kentucky, which features displays of man and dinosaurs co-existing.

“Since the world is only 7,000 years old, anything older than that would be ungodly.  Which means that aliens are ungodly.  People believe liberal nonsense like Close Encounters of the Third Kind and E.T..  In that one, a heathen alien even has a friendship with a God fearing boy!  Some people call it a classic, I call it blasphemous!”

NASA administrator Charles Bolden said last week that it’s “highly improbable in the limitless vastness of the universe that we humans stand alone”.  “But because of people like Ham, it’s even more improbable that they would ever contact us,” added Bolden.

“Aliens are just as made up as Bigfoot, the Loch Ness Monster, and global warming,” said Ham.  “There’s something I wear that protects me from the lies spread by liberals, and if the president had any decency, he would make all of us wear tinfoil hats!”

By clavius42

Even With Leader Gone, Westboro Baptist Church Members Still Total Dicks

Members of the Westboro Baptist Church from Topeka Kansas demonstrate against homosexuality

The members of the Westboro Baptist Church in Topeka, Kansas are now celebrating the tragic crash of Malaysian Airlines Flight MH17, making them one of the largest groups of heartless assholes in the world.

Even with the passing of leader Fred Phelps earlier this year, the Westboro Baptist Church still retains the mantle of being total dicks to anyone who is not them.

“There were AIDS researchers on that plane,” said one Westboro member.  “What if one of them discovered a cure for AIDS?  Then we would have to blame someone else other than fags for our problems!”

Some claim that members of the church are possibly mentally unbalanced.  But in their defense, one member said that “someone would have to put people who support open carry laws and right-wing conspiracy theorists in that group, so clearly that’s a ridiculous claim!”

“It’s God’s will that those planes went down,” said Phelps’ widow Margie Marie Simms, “it’s also God’s will that we should be utterly and totally inhuman to innocent groups of people.  That’s what God’s America is all about!  Or at least, that’s what we think it is in our tiny little, hate-filled, racist, homophobic, brain-dead world.”

When asked for a comment, a representative for God said he wished to convey a message from the Almighty asking the Westboro Baptist Church to “shut the fuck up”…

By clavius42

Barney Dead at 85,000,000

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Everybody’s favorite lovable purple dinosaur passed away this weekend after committing suicide in his Santa Monica loft. Details are sketchy at this time, but it has been learned that Barney had gradually grown more and more depressed in the last five months.

“That happy go-lucky attitude was a front,” confides Stuart Longly, Barney’s therapist for six years. “I think the pressure of having to be full of glee twenty-four hours a day took its toll, as it would on any purple dinosaur.”

Barney started life as a carnivorous T-Rex in the Mesozoic Period, until he caught the show business bug in the ‘70’s, featured in such shows as Land of the Lost and movies such as Baby: Secret of the Lost Legend.

But early in 1983, he was influenced by New Age teachings under the instruction of Supu Copra (not to be confused with Topak Coba, Suprak Toba, or Deepak Chopra). “It changed my life,” Barney confessed earlier in a 1990 People interview. “I no longer felt the need to consume meat, go on rampages, or even roar. What I wanted to do from then on was make children happy, and sing!”

He was gradually picked up by PBS and gained a huge following by children all over the world for his television show. “Things were just too good to be true, and then the realizations kicked in,” Longly explains. “After all, most of his friends were now oil.”

The funeral services for Barney will be held at the LaBrea Tar Pits next Wednesday.

By clavius42

GOP Coming Up with New Reasons for Impeaching Obama

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WASHINGTON – Today House Speaker John Boehner took a break from figuring out how to sue President Obama in order to come up with new reasons to impeach him.

“We are working, not on the economic problems, the immigration problems, or any other problems,” said Boehner, “but instead to focus all of our energy on how to impeach Obama.  I wanted to push the envelope a little, so I suggested that we sue him.  But make no mistake, we have been working hard to find a good reason to impeach the President all along.”

Members of the GOP admitted that impeaching Obama for the IRS scandal, Bowe Bergdahl, the border crisis, and Benghazi are ideas that getting a tad overused.  Instead, new reasons are being considered.

“At the top of list are bad smart phone reception, vaccinations, gluten, flight delays, and selfies,” said Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-KY).  “We are also looking into whether or not we can impeach him because he’s black.  That was my idea, by the way.”

“He’s doing his job,” said Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-SC), “and it seems that he’s doing it well.  We can’t have that in a president.  If we take over the Senate, we will oust him with every lamebrained, easy-to- disprove reason we can come up with.”

In other news, many towns don’t want shelters for immigrant kids, because they haven’t quite figured out the whole “they’re just children” thing…

By clavius42

Louie Gohmert Wants Texas to Use Nukes to Stop Immigrants

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During a speech on the House floor Friday, Rep. Louie Gohmert (R-TX) compared the surge of unaccompanied migrant children to soldiers invading France during World War II.

“It’s an invasion, and Obama should know, because if he had been around in the 40′s, he would have started WW II.  And who’s to say he wasn’t?”

Gohmert asked Gov. Rick Perry (R-TX) to “use whatever means” like troops, ships of war, or taxes.  But the rep said that the best method would be to use nukes on the border.

“That way we can get the sumbitches where they live,” said Gohmert. “Then we could get big fans to blow the radiation back into Mexico, like the ones the liberals use to create climate change!”

Gohmert criticized President Obama’s request for Congress to provide $3.7 billion in emergency funds to aid the immigrants, saying that “the only thing that can stop a bad immigrant is a good immigrant, like Ted Cruz”.

“We see eye to eye on things,” said Gohmert.  “Me and him, and Perry.  And Perry is already down there with the best idea so far – shewt ‘em.”

The GOP has issued a statement today denouncing the rep’s request for a “nucular deterrent”, saying that “Gohmert exceeds even our level of idiocy.”

In related news, a recent Gallup poll has suggested that 85% of Texans polled want to secede from the Republican Party…

By clavius42

Todd Akin’s Advice for Republicans

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Hello, I’m Todd Akin.  You know, the “legitimate rape” guy?

I still stand by what I said, after I apologized for it, because that’s what good conservatives do.

Being conservative for me is a way of life, and if you’ll pay attention, I will give you tips on how to win the 2016 election.

1) Don’t mention me,  I lost an election.  Also, don’t talk about “legitimate rape”, or anything that even sounds like “legitimate rape”.
examples: “incriminate crepe”, “imminent jape”, “illegitimate cape”

2) Be more conservative.  It seems to me that some of you need to up your conservatism.  Basically, if you see someone demonstrating his conservatism, up the ante.  If he says he’s against gun control, then you say you’re against gun control because God wants it.

3) Don’t answer questions until you ignore the facts.  Knowledge may be power to liberals, but it’s also a bane of our party’s existence.  I’m not saying that you should fabricate what you say, just say what you know.  Which, come to think of it, might get the same results.

4) Know your enemy.  If it’s a woman, you have fuel right there, because it’s a proven scientific fact that women store their knowledge in their abdomen.  Their bodies may not have defense mechanisms which prevent rape (I still stand by what I said, by the way), but you know their knowledge has to come from somewhere, and it’s certainly not coming from men parts.

5) Don’t lose.  If you remember anything from this helpful guide, remember this – losing is humiliating.  Just ask me.  I have experience.
Not losing will give you at least a 95% chance to win the election.  Or 65%.  I’m terrible with math.

I hope these helpful tips will help you.  Now if you’ll excuse me, there’s a woman’s anatomy pop-up book calling my name.  Seriously.

Best of luck!

Todd Akin
GOP Senate candidate (but I wouldn’t hold my breath)

By clavius42

Perry and Hannity Campaign to Defend America from Immigrant Children

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RIO GRANDE – This week Texas Governor Rick Perry and Fox News personality Sean Hannity went down to monitor the Texas/Mexico border in a new campaign to “rid America of heavily armed immigrant children”.

“We figure the children who are coming over the border in droves are smuggling in weapons,” said Perry.  “You know them little bastards are up to something, and we’re here to defend our second amendment rights, according to what we say they are.”

Sean Hannity tweeted a photo with he and the governor, along with photos of the guns and ammo they were using.  “They’re like the family I never had,” said Hannity.  “If you’re going to use social media, share with everyone the most precious things you hold dear.”

“Every sumbitch deserves the right to defend themselves from these children,” said Perry.  “Obama and his cronies are up to something, and we’re here to stop it before it becomes an idea they probably won’t have.”

Perry and Hannity plan to continue their tour through the South, speaking about Obamacare, Benghazi, and  and one of their prime targets, Hillary Clinton, because “2016 is just around the corner”.

“We have to think about America and what they want,” said Hannity, “and more importantly, our job security.”

A recent poll by Fox News watchers and Texas citizens said that while Perry and Hannity were on tour, no one had realized they had left.

By clavius42

Angry Old Fart Discovered at Congressional Hearing

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WASHINGTON – At a recent Senate Homeland Security Committee hearing regarding the ongoing border crisis, an angry old man was discovered, after he started ranting and raving at Deputy Assistant Secretary for U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement Thomas Winkowski.

“This irritable elderly man just blasted me after I said he had to check his cell phone in a detention facility if the phone had a camera,” said Winkowski.  “He even got my name wrong!  Who let this old fart in the building???”

Winkowski also said that the white-haired man cited a list of instructions with someone else’s name on it and then blamed him for it, after asking the same questions over and over, while Winkowski had to give the man the same answers over and over.

Witnesses said the old man also kept yelling things such as, “don’t talk to me that way!  I’ve been on T.V.!” and “I want to do what I want – you’re not the boss of me!”

“He seemed so out of touch, I was amazed he knew what a ‘cell phone’ was in the first place,” added Winkowski.

It was later discovered that the old man who was yelling and vocally attacking the Deputy Assistant Secretary was actually a senator.
“Maybe it’s time for the old folks’ home,” said Winkowski.

By clavius42

Rick Perry Says Immigration Problem is Conspiracy, “Like Science”

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DALLAS – After Governor Rick Perry’s meeting with President Barack Obama this week, Perry says he stands by his immigration conspiracy theory.

“Obama has an ulterior motive regarding the children,” said Perry. “It smells of a conspiracy, just like science. In the Bible, there is no mention of immigrants or science, so what I say must be true.”

“This president is either inept or making some decisions that are not in the best interests of American citizens. That should be my job!”

Perry added that to his knowledge, there has been no scientific proof that science exists. “Even science knows there’s no science!”

Perry’s advisers say that he will pursue his theory until the facts come out, or Perry is elected in 2016. “You can guess which one will actually happen,” said one adviser.

Perry also explained that “we also have record high numbers of Syrians being apprehended at the border.” “These are people that have substantial connections back to terrorist regimes.” Since nothing has actually been proven, however, Politifact Texas suggests that the governor may indeed be talking out of his own ass.

“When it comes to that kind of experience, Governor Perry has years of it,” said a Perry consultant.

In related news, President Obama described his discussion in Dallas with the governor as “a true meeting of mind”…

By clavius42

Climate Change Deniers Want “Crappy Treatment of Their World” Back

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Climate change deniers nationwide rallied today with the slogan “Take Back Our World”, which referred to many conservatives and Tea Partiers demand for their crappy treatment of the planet to not be denied by Democrats and environmentalists.

“Treating Earth like we treat women and minorities is our Constitutional right,” said one activist.  “If you try to take that away from us, you’re denying our forefathers’ attitudes toward global warming.”

Sen. Brandon Smith (R-KY) said that “I believe in academia we can all agree that the temperature on Mars is exactly as it is here, and you don’t hear any gripes about climate change from Martians.”

Some conservatives are even purposely making their cars spew black smoke as a protest against Obama and environmentalists.  “Not unlike the smoke Fox News blows up our ass any given day of the week,” said one conservative.

But many environmentalists are becoming “climate change denier denialists”.  “We are all on the same planet, for better or worse, whether we like it or not,” said one environmentalist.  “Even if a bunch of our neighbors are clearly batshit crazy.”

“I don’t want to get into a debate about climate change,” added Sen. Smith, “but whether the weather is the reason why people have to weather the weather or not, the world is going to keep on spinning. Which is in itself pretty amazing, given that it’s flat.”

In related news, record temperatures have been reported nationwide, as well as record high levels of idiocy…

By clavius42