Lego Pegs Classic Martin Scorsese Films for Next Series

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Lego and Traveler’s Tales, the company who makes the Lego video games, are both planning to use a series of classic movies by director Martin Scorsese for their next franchise.

“After tackling Harry Potter, Batman, Star Wars, Marvel, Lord of the Rings, Pirates of the Caribbean, even our very own movie,” says Lego president Bill D. Bloch, “it was only common sense to reimagine Scorsese’s movies in colorful blocks.”   

Movies to be adapted include Mean StreetsTaxi DriverRaging Bull, and Goodfellas.

“It’s a very exciting concept,” says Brick A. Semble, one of the Traveler’s Tales developers.  “For example, when Travis Bickle brutally kills the gangsters in the brothel, all of them turn into valuable studs, which you can use to purchase assorted weapons to use in a variety of psycho vigilante missions.”

“The Lego version of Robert DeNiro will probably be our largest seller. What kid doesn’t want to re-enact Jake La Motta accusing Joey of sleeping with his wife?”

Lego is also talking about adapting what they call Lego Scorsese: The DiCaprio Years, both as video games and playsets.

“We are very confident that the playsets, particularly the jet orgy fromThe Wolf of Wall Street and the Five Points war from Gangs of New York will be instant hits with children of all ages,” says Bloch.

Sources close to Lego say that they are already planning to piece together more franchises based on films by classic directors, to be released each year in assorted blocks of time. 

By clavius42

Hey Kids! It’s an Interview with The Easter Bunny!

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Today I am interviewing one of the most popular holiday icons – the Easter Bunny!

GR: Welcome Mr. Bunny!

EB: Peter, or Pete…

GR: Peter Cottontail?

EB: Whatever floats your boat. Got a smoke?

GR: Isn’t that bad for you?

EB: Hey, it’s my day off. Sue me.

GR: Well I’d like to thank you for coming in on your day off. I suppose you’re getting ready for next Sunday?

EB: Yeah. Got my eggs ordered and everything.

GR: Don’t you make your own eggs?

EB: What do I look like, a chicken? These things come already painted too. Thank God for eBay…

GR: So what do you do when you’re not working?

EB: I play video games mostly.

GR: Really!

EB: Oh yeah, I play lots of games. But I stay away from Nintendo – any games where I have to hop or jump. I do that crap plenty in real life.

GR: So what other hobbies do you have, since you only work one day of the year?

EB: Whatever I like, really.  But I’m really keen on painting.  Not eggs, so don’t ask it.

GR: Didn’t even come to my mind.  Great job!

EB: Yeah, it’s a cushy gig, ain’t it? Great benefits too. Of course, I don’t have the recognition that other holiday icons do, particularly Santa Claus. Fat bastard.

GR: Are you okay with the commercialism of what is actually supposed to be a religious day?

EB: Heck yeah!  I have a deal with Cadbury and the people who make Peeps that keeps me very comfortable.  

GR: Thanks for your time, and “hoppy Easter”!

EB: Yeah, like I’ve never heard that one…

By clavius42

Cosmic Event Makes GOP Tell Truth for a Day

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WASHINGTON – An unusually violent series of solar flares had a decidedly shocking impact yesterday.  Not only were wireless internet and smart phone signals disrupted, but in a strange chain of events, members of the GOP and other conservatives actually told people exactly what they were thinking.

The phenomenon started when conservative radio host and flotation device Rush Limbaugh made a surprising statement on the air.  “Let’s face it folks,” said Limbaugh, “I am a racist, misogynist, heartless blowhard who hates pretty much everyone and everything.  But I would like to thank all you mindless bastards for keeping me employed.  If I wasn’t doing this, I would probably be one of those crazy people you see on the side of a street, yelling at passerbys and to the air!”

During a congressional meeting, Sen. Mitch McConnell, along with his fellow congressman, inadvertently ranted against President Obama on C-SPAN.  “When it comes down to brass tacks, it’s all about Obama being Black.  Why else do you think we criticize him even when he offers up ideas we came up with?  He’s Black, we’re White.  Simple as that.  Washington would be a much better place if we got all the Negroes out of politics.  We can’t have Obama undermining us all with his common sense ideas and knowledge.  And the only way to get rid of him is to show him the least amount of respect any President has ever been given in history.  If Blacks can think for themselves, it’s just as bad as if women did.”

In a Fox News interview, when asked about immigration and the poor, House Speaker John Boehner said he didn’t see what the big deal was.  “Who cares, really?  Are they rich?  No.  Can they further our campaigns?  No.  Who needs them?  Let them go back to where they came from, and stop bothering us.  Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go be the GOP mouthpiece on another program.”

Fox News host Sean Hannity excused Boehner, saying, “we’ll be back with more news we made up or were told to say by the Republican Party, for all of the right-wing elderly who seem to be our biggest demographic.  And remember, we’re the reason George W. Bush had a platform during the Iraq War!” 

NRA Vice President Wayne LaPierre admitted to a dumbfounded group of city council members that “all gun violence does is give us profits, so why stop it?  You can replace lives, but you can’t replace wealth!”

Many conservative groups, after discovering the chain of unfortunately honest events, tried to remove all broadcasts and transcripts of all conversations delivered, but most details and entire shows had already gone viral via YouTube and Twitter.

“It was an entirely fabricated series of ‘mishaps’,” said a Tea Party activist.  “It’s as fictional as the admittedly convincing evidence that there is such a thing as global warming.  Aw man, did I just say that out loud???”

A source close to Fox News says that all footage, including interviews and special reports have been reportedly “lost” for yesterday.  

“Due to unforeseen technical difficulties, Fox News was off the air on Friday, April 11,” said the 24 hour news network’s president Roger Ailes.  “And for those of you who do remember what happened, keep it to yourself.”     

By clavius42

CDC Says Zombie Threat Not Possible Because They Don’t Freakin’ Exist

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Today the CDC (Center for Disease Control) President and CEO Charles Stokes made a public statement to those concerned with a possible threat of zombies infecting the population.

“We at the CDC are removing all active procedures online and in text regarding a possible zombie apocalypse,” said Stokes, “as clear evidence suggests that not only is such a threat not possible, but also that ZOMBIES AREN’T FREAKIN’ REAL!!!”

“C’mon people!  Dead bodies are not going to reanimate because of aliens, satellites, viruses, or magic!  They’re made up!  Like Freddie Krueger!  And the Boogeyman!  All of them are just as non-existent as rappers who use their own music!”

Many requests to the CDC have been submitted for several years, concerning an undead outbreak, as depicted in such popular movies and television shows as Dawn of the Dead and The Walking Dead
“They’re fiction, people,” added Stokes.  “Look around you.  With all the real horror in the world, do you really want to add a fictional threat to the mix?  Get a freakin’ life!”

In related news, CNN will be airing a special report this weekend, entitled, “Did Zombies Attack Flight 370?”…

By clavius42

Top Ten Reasons Why David Letterman is Retiring in 2015

THE LATE SHOW WITH DAVID LETTERMAN

10) Uma. And Oprah.

9) Wants to get his groove on in “Dancing With The Stars”

8) Keeps getting mistaken for extra on “Walking Dead”

7) Eager to start “Toast on a Stick” franchise

6) After what Congress has done, “Stupid Human Tricks” segement is obsolete

7) Wants to retire with Paul Shaffer to a sweet little hideaway of their own

6) J.J. Abrams has him on short list for “Star Wars VII”

5) Three words – Social Security Kegger!

4) Saw future of television in vision, didn’t want to live in a world populated by super-intelligent gerbils

3) Ron Howard wants him for Wilford Brimley role in remake of “Cocoon”

2) Thinks he can win over Bieber fans and become next teen idol.

and the number one Reason Why David Letterman is Retiring in 2015…

1) Because Larry “Bud” Melman would have wanted him to…

By clavius42

Global Warming Must Be Stopped So Wealthy Can Live, Says GOP

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WASHINGTON – Today the GOP issued a statement to the press, finally admitting their concerns with climate change.

“We are still not entirely convinced that there is even such a thing,” said House Speaker John Boehner, “but we are saying that if it becomes a valid concern, there must be measures to insure the well being of the wealthy.”

Recently the Supreme Court ruled 5 – 4 in favor of removing any limits to how much money the wealthy can contribute to their candidates of choice.  Conservative backers David H. Koch and Charles G. Koch supported the ruling whole-heartedly.  “It is our duty, and others like myself i.e. the filthy rich,” said Charles Koch , “to maintain our God-given right to keep as many politicians as we can in our pockets.  And soon, that may just be literal.”

“The world is going through some massive changes, there’s no denying.  And after all the poor people are lost, we have to defend ourselves at all costs.  Which is lucky, since we can afford all costs.”

Justice Antonin Scalia denies that the ruling is biased in any way, shape, or form.  “The 1%, when it really gets down to it, is a minority. So we are just doing what’s best for a put-upon group of individuals. How is this any different from immigration?”

Members of the GOP called a private meeting earlier today, but sources close to Congress say that the subject was the catastrophic effect which might occur is there was a catastrophy.

“I’m not naming names,” said one source, who wished to remain anonymous, “but one member during the session admitted that this may have more importance than what happened in Benghazi.  For him to say that, you know they’re really scared of what would happen to their financiers – er, the job creators.”

In somewhat related news, conservatives gathered around the Washington Mall to light 7 million candles, which represented the people who signed up for Obamacare.  “Our hearts go out to the men and women who will be receiving affordable healthcare.  Haven’t they thought of their families???”

By clavius42

Michael Bay to Direct Reboot of “Jaws”

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LOS ANGELES – Action director Michael Bay, with the blessing of Steven Spielberg, is set to bring new life back to the Jaws franchise. Hollywood is already abuzz with exclusive new details.

Word on the grapevine is that Bay is tapping Shia LeBeouf as Chief Martin Brody, Zac Efron as marine biologist Matt Hooper, and the legendary Ian McKellen as the crusty shark hunter Quint.

“But this time Quint won’t die,” clarified Bay.  “This time the great white does not get the better of him.  That’s all I can say at this point.”

After experiencing the latest ground-breaking technology, 4-D, Universal Studios president Ron Meyer has plans to introduce a new way of watching the revamped classic.

“The audience will not believe their eyes!” said Meyer.  “Or their ears!  Or even their nose.  Not even their teeth.  It’s gonna be something really special.”

Pre-production for the movie, with the working title Jaws Again, starts next month, and production is set to begin in August.  And then pre-production will start all over in September.  And then probably post production will start after filming.

Look for further information on Michael Bay’s Twitter, Facebook, and MySpace pages.

Photo courtesy of Hasbro Bay Productions
all rights reserved

By clavius42

Jon Stewart Confesses: “I Love Fox News!”

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In a recent GQ interview with The Daily Show host Jon Stewart, he decided to finally admit something that would surely be a shock to his fans.

“I am a huge fan of Fox News – I confess!” Stewart said.  “I may rib them every once in awhile, but truth be told, it’s out of affection and sheer admiration.”

“When it comes to no-nonsense, ‘tell it like it is’ journalism, you just can’t beat the award-winning team of Bill O’Reilly, Sean Hannity, Mike Doocy, Neil Cavuto, Stuart Varney, etc.  And I’ll  let you in on a little secret – ol’ Stew Beef’s crushin’ on Gretchen Carlson!  What a babe.”

Many have praised The Daily Show for exposing the devoutly conservative 24 hour news network for its blatant deception and poor journalism, but Stewart stands by what he says.

“To suggest that I have nothing but contempt for Fox News and their hard-hitting, honest reporting – well, that’s a deception worthy of an April Fool’s Day prank.”

By clavius42

Chris Christie Clears Himself of Bridge Scandal

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NEW JERSEY – Earlier this week, New Jersey governor Chris Christie was very pleased to announce that, after a very detailed and thorough investigation by himself, he was not liable for the September shutdown of the George Washington Bridge.

“I was very meticulous with myself,” said Christie.  “I left no stone unturned, no possible clue undiscovered.  I would like to thank me on behalf of me for a job very well done.”

Chris Christie’s investigation pointed not to the governor, but instead to everyone else.

“If there are any guilty parties to be accused, the findings clearly put the blame on anyone who is not me,” said Christie.

When asked about the missing Hurricane Sandy funds, Christie put any fears to rest.  “I am now looking into that as well for myself, and I am confident that I will be clearing myself of any wrongdoing.”

In related news, Russian president Vladimir Putin denies putting any Russian soldiers in Crimea, based on information obtained by Putin…

By clavius42

CNN Mourns Loss of Mystery of Flight 370

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As more and more evidence is being revealed that Malaysia Airlines Flight 370 has indeed crashed into the Indian Ocean, 24 hour news network CNN has professed its grief.

“Speculating about what happened to the flight was our meat and potatoes for the past few weeks,” said host Wolf Blitzer.  “Without any actual facts, we were free to make up stuff and utilize cutting edge technology to show what the plane looked like, the flight path, and what aliens might have done with the passengers.”

While there are still a few mysteries as to what actually caused the crash, many still admit they are disappointed.  “Once the plane has crashed, the magic is gone,” said CNN Worldwide President Jeff Zucker.  “It is a sad day for what we call news.  Also, it’s pretty bad for the families of the passengers, too.”

One host is still remaining positive, however.  “There might still be a chance that the mystery of Flight 370 was swallowed by a black hole,” said Don Lemon.  “So I still have hope.”

In related news, Fox News Network will be airing a special documentary this weekend called “Flight 370: What Did Obama Know?”

By clavius42